Trouble even with a Panama girl

Is it alright to say “awoke” when you really never slept? Last night was one of the worst nights of my life and I awoke only to find we have no power, yet again. Can’t make coffee. No internet. My precious food in the freezers is in jeopardy. Certainly not what I need this morning!

So why the horrible night? Well, as I have spiraled down into my current depression, consumed by the thoughts of it all being over soon, the one glimmer of joy in my life was Magaly. Her affection, warmth, cuddling, making love and telling me she loved me kept me going each day, or least trying to hang in there.

It started Saturday, when she did not respond to my text messages about maybe taking her kids to the parade at night. It was my first Christmas in Panama and, although I certainly have no spirit of the season, even knowing that it was probably my last made me want to make the best of it and experience what Christmas was like in Panama.

She finally sent me a message saying that her kids were in David and that she had to work until six o’clock, so I replied, suggesting that we meet for pizza and then go to the parade. I had told her previously that I needed to have her take some pictures of the parade with her phone for my websites.

No response. Instead she just showed up at the house after work, and obviously in a very bad mood. When I asked why she hadn’t responded to my message, she said she had been using her sister’s phone and she had left the store, so Magaly didn’t get any message. When I asked where her phone was, she said her daughter had it in David. I reminded her how important I had said it was that I got pictures of the parade with her phone.

Now we had nothing to eat and she didn’t want to go to the parade. I asked her where the bread was that I had asked her to bring, but she had forgotten, so I couldn’t even have a sandwich. She said she didn’t want anything to eat and was just miserable. I asked her to please tell me what was wrong, but she insisted there was nothing wrong. We spent the evening in silence watching a movie, listening to all the music and singing coming from downtown. I really regretted not being there to enjoy it.

At eight o’clock she showered and went to bed without even a good night. When I crawled into bed she wanted nothing to do with our normal cuddling in each other’s arms, so I spent the night by myself, full of regret at missing the parade and still so utterly confused about why she was being so miserable to me.

I was up at seven the next morning and spent the next three hours puttering around the house, just trying to be quiet to let her sleep. I made pancakes for us, but she was still asleep, or pretending to be, so I ate alone. She finally got up at ten and headed into the shower. Not even a “good morning”. When I went into the bathroom to ask if she was ready for me to cook pancakes for her, she babbled something at me in Spanish, which I did not understand. She got all frustrated at me for not knowing what she said and all I got was a frustrated “oh, Gary!”.

We’ve managed to fumble along with the language pretty good all these months, and this was the first sign of any frustration that I didn’t understand her. I knew this was not a good sign.

When she sat down to eat I again asked her what was wrong and got the same answer – nothing. Although, yes, my language skills are lacking, I said I knew there was SOMETHING wrong and asked her to please tell me what was going on. Nothing she insisted and I could feel the anger welling up in me that she was being so obstinate.

The next few hours were spent with me working around the house and her cleaning my apartment. Not a word between us. We were to go to Stone and Barbie’s place at two o’clock for a Christmas party and, although I was not in any party mood I was hopeful she would brighten up and we could sort things out. I was happy to see her getting dressed and putting on her makeup. At least she was going to make an attempt.

As I put together our drinks to take and got ready to leave she informs me that she’s going to her house. Obviously upset I asked why? She just said she had to go. I explained how important it was for us to go and how awkward it would be for me when everyone asked where she was. Adrian was also bringing his new lady who spoke little English and I said it was important for Magaly to be there to talk with her. Nothing.

Now I got really upset and said I wouldn’t go without her as it would simply be too awkward and uncomfortable. She just said good-bye and left. It was a very low moment for me, realizing this was yet another thing she had spoiled for me.

I guess in defiance I decided I wasn’t going to regret one more thing, so I went. It was awkward, as I expected, because Barbie and everyone else at the party wanted to know where Magaly was. I made some lame excuse that she a function to attend with her family, but also said I suspected she wasn’t comfortable around so many English people. No one believed me, I’m sure.

My phone rang and it was Magaly asking me to let her back into the apartment, as she could not get a taxi. I asked her to come over to Stone and Barbie’s, but she refused, so I went back to open the door for her. I sort of lost it on her, angry that she was making such a mess of this. After some pleading she agreed to come over for a little while, I think mostly to help the other Panamanian girl out and not for me.

When we came back, again all I got was the silent treatment. She showered and went to bed without a word. I ended up on the couch, tossing and turning, fighting back tears, tossing and turning all night, overwhelmed with dark thoughts of how miserable I was. I fought to fall asleep and failed. I just wanted all this misery to end. My one tiny glimmer of hope had been dashed. It was over.

She woke me to say good-bye and I resisted the temptation to tell her to take all her clothes with her. Six in the morning is not a good time to start an argument. At this point I don’t know what to do. Her family is going to Panama City for Christmas and she can’t get the time off work, so we had planned to spend Christmas together, such as it is. Now it looks like I will be all alone, which is the last thing I need right now, but being alone is better than sitting in silence with someone you love and being treated like crap. Alone is the lesser of two evils.