Coffee and Cigarettes. Blood Sugar Control?
After coming this close to slipping into a diabetic coma and losing the better part of five days before being rescued by my doctor, I had little choice but to quit smoking. I had no money for food, let alone very expensive smokes. This lasted for six months, until last weekend when circumstances, like having no food in the house and getting little from the food bank, I discovered my desperately needed cheque had gone in early on Saturday morning.
I could sense my stress level was off the charts, so I decided to celebrate with a pack of smokes. Although overwhelmed with the guilt of it all I figured after six months that I would cough my guts out and hate the taste. No such luck! It was nirvana! I could feel a sense of calm come over me immediately. Oh well, I figured, one pack and I'd quit again. No money for smokes, that was for sure.
Some background on my sugar levels - when I nearly bought the farm my sugars were in the upper thirties. Anyone who knows anything about diabetes knows this is well above the danger levels. Thanks to my doctor and the pharmacist who went together on getting me my insulin, my sugar levels started coming down, but they still weren't good. After very thorough tests at the diabetic specialist they upped my insulin and kept me on my meds as well. Still my sugars never got much better than mid teens, sometimes as high as lower twenties. Everyone, including me, was frustrated that nothing seemed to work to get me under ten, which was the goal.
Here's the interesting and crazy part. The day after buying smokes I made a morning pot of coffee, something I hadn't had since quitting back in December, because of the instant lifetime association of starting every day with coffee and a smoke. I sat out on my balcony, coffee in one hand and a smoke in the other, as God intended (that's why he gave us two hands), happy as a pig in you know what. Life was as it should be.
As I do every morning now I tested my sugars. To my considerable surprise it was 8.8, the best reading I had ever had. I figured there was something wrong with my meter, but a couple of hours later, after eating breakfast, when levels are usually elevated, my next reading was 8.9! Curious, I tested more frequently than normal the rest of the day, all with readings in the eights. After a rare treat of a fudgsicle, which should have put me in the twenties, I was again shocked to see a 9.2, not much higher than before. Over the last few days the readings have not changed. They've been the lowest since those thirties back in December.
So, what's the only change in my life? Diet? Nope, in fact I've had some rare sugar laden treats. Exercise? Nope, other than my normal walking with the bus routes. I was planning to bike, but the weather has not been great until recently. The only change is drinking my coffee again and smoking. I've actually written to Benson and Hedges to suggest a clinical study, of course with them providing me cigarettes. lol
Even more telling might be that I just enjoyed my last smoke and I have no money for any more. Dumb as it may sound, I wish I could keep smoking so I could get rid of the twenty-five pounds I gained not smoking. This has been more harmful to my health than anything. I've lost my energy. I can't bend down to tie up my shoes. I'm sleeping more. I feel like crap. So much for feeling better not smoking.
In fairness I'll report on my sugar levels over the next few days, but if they now go back up not smoking, well, it's going to get interesting at least.
Yes, and I know that at least one person who might read this is going to give me proper hell for smoking again. She's a cancer survivor so I don't blame her for her scorn. I thought of her when I took my first puff, but it didn't stop me. lol
The State of TV
Having lost my cable because Rogers wanted my first born child to continue (he's an adult now and objected) offering what they call "service", and being blackmailed by Rogers who are preventing Bell from providing me service (shouldn't that be illegal?), I am left with only my one local over-the-air channel, which, thanks to the government, apparently, I am also going to lose come August.
This got me thinking to the "good ole days" when all we had was over-the-air channels, not many if I remember my childhood, but they were all "broadcast" channels, including the three US networks at the time, NBC, ABC and CBS and two Canadian networks, CBC and CTV. The way it worked was we received the channels for FREE, but we had to sit through what they called "commercials" from advertisers who sponsored programs, paying for the actors and production costs. Everybody made money and we all went out and bought the products that were advertised on TV and we didn't have to pay a gazillion dollars a month for the privilege.
Today we have our TV delivered by cable or satellite. We still have to sit through all those same commercials, even more of them now, especially during programs like Hockey Night in Canada, which didn't use to have commercial "breaks" because that would mean losing the momentum of the game (oh, right) but for some unknown reason we now have to pay a bazillion dollars a month for the privilege. Now there's this thing called the internet, which we also pay a gazillion dollars for every month. So tell me why we can't get all our programs from this internet for FREE because the advertisers pay for the actors and to produce the programs and we go out and buy the products and then we wouldn't need to pay a cent for the privilege. What a concept!
No worries..
I no longer need to wonder what it will be like to get old......I am old and have all the aches and pains to prove it.
I no longer need to wonder what it would be like to be fat.......I've put on twenty-five pounds since quitting smoking and I am fat.
I no longer feel the warmth and security of being surrounded by family......My dear parents have both died and my kids abandoned me years ago. I have no family.
I no longer wonder what my friends think of me........I have no friends.
I no longer worry about what to do with all my money................I have none.
I no longer spend hours renovating my house..............I have no house.
I no longer worry about repairs, insurance or gas for my car.............my beater car has been parked for months.
I no longer worry about fashion in clothes...................I have not had money for clothes in years.
I no longer wonder what it's like to be loved by someone special............I have not been in love for a year.
I no longer wonder how it feels to have someone special in your life..............I have been alone for a year.
I no longer marvel at the joys of where I live..............I am stuck here, it seems, forever.
I no longer wake every day, impatient to get to work.............I haven't worked since last year.
I know longer know why I am here.
THERE WILL NEVER EVER BE ANOTHER YOU
THERE WILL NEVER EVER BE ANOTHER YOU
The world has never seen anyone quite like you before, and it will never see another YOU again. And there is something you have to contribute to the world that the world needs from YOU, no matter how small or unimportant you may think you are, in the great scheme of things. You were born, you are breathing, you are here, because there is something you have to contribute to the world that the world really, really needs. At least in that place, at least at this time, at least with your style, at least with your character and stamp upon it. Someone needs you. Someone’s life has been, or will be, better because of you. Be you a health care professional, a scientist, an engineer, or techie, or digger of ditches, it doesn’t matter. The world needs all these things, but animated specifically by your spirit, your brains, your personality, beneath and in it all.
Your purpose in life isn’t just a matter of what kind of work you do. It’s a matter of who you are, what kind of person you are, and whether you choose to be the best YOU that you can possibly be.
- Richard N. Bolles (What Color Is Your Parachute?)
My Christmas Wish List
Many people wish for traditional "gifts" under their tree. After a lifetime of those typical Christmas mornings, this year my list is a little more basic. It has been a difficult couple of years and I realize what are the important things in life. Here's my list, in no particular order:
Desperation starts to set in
Not much left to say. I am on hold on the phone right now to Welfare, to beg them to give me some meds before I collapse. It's been six weeks now and that is taking its toll on me. Add this deplorable heat to being without meds and the days and nights are not pleasant. My landlady, although surprisingly understanding about not paying the rent last week, refuses to leave the air on to cool down my sweltering loft, so I just sit and sweat and can't sleep. I have no money for food, so my diet has tanked. I am so dehydrated all I do is drink water and pee, and it keeps me up all night. I have filled out an unbelievable number of job applications, at least a hundred over the last few days, with not one response. It's so discouraging! I would kill to be back out West. I have so many wonderful memories of great friends there. I have no one to care here. I wish I could close my eyes, click my heels and wake up in the Okanagan.
My First Trip to a Soup Kitchen
Other than it’s obviously a church, there were no signs to let anyone know there’s a lunch program, nor is there any way to know where to enter the church. Luckily I found an open door and a kindly gentleman who directed me downstairs. The only sign I saw was “Men's Room Closed”.
Diary of a Diabetic
Somewhat fatalistic, I know, but I thought I had best know the warning signs before I slip off into the diabetic coma. It's been four weeks now without my meds, for the first time since being diagnosed way back in 2004. I was better off not knowing. With the sole exception of cognitive problems, which, as far as I know, I don't have, I have every other symptom. Yikes!
The Fat Lady is singing her head off
As Sinatra sang it, "and now the end is near and I must face the final curtain". For what seems like far too long now I have been fighting an uphill battle to just work hard and survive, but I just can't catch a break. If it weren't for my friend and colleague, Sieg Pedde, I would have been done in long ago. He brought my overdue car payments up to date, saving me from losing my car, which would have meant also losing my job, and he bailed me out last week when I had absolutely no money to live on.
On this Valentine's Day
This is the day to celebrate the love of your life. Your friend. Your lover. Your soul mate. Your best friend. True love is the hardest thing to find, but it is the greatest gift of all. To know that there is someone who cares for you makes life worth living. You wake up thinking of them. You are excited at the thought of them texting or calling or seeing them. You feel that warm incredible feeling when you think about them, your heart bursting with joy.