Life is what happens while you are making other plans
This is an email I sent to my dear friend, Heather, today -
Hope your surgery went well and you are on the mend. Sucks to get old, eh?
Well, life is getting even more challenging, if that is even possible. I think for the first time in my life I am totally lost as to what to do. The Canadian dollar is absolutely killing me. Yesterday I transferred my last dime and $200 cost me $300. Brutal. This money was to pay my rent on Friday and I’m left with zero to buy food for the rest of the month.
I knew it was going to be tough to survive here even with the lower cost of living, but since I started researching the move I’ve lost $150 a month because of the dollar and that has left me without enough to pay rent and buy food, with nothing else. I used to drop in to the bake shop for coffee and a brownie, more to meet people and talk up the websites, but it was a nice social thing to do. That’s gone. I had to meet Dutch yesterday, who I owe sixty dollars to and can’t pay him, and I couldn’t even have a coffee. I used to go dancing Saturday night and might have two drinks at $4 apiece, but I can’t do that now and I miss it. People are asking me where I was on a Saturday night and I don’t know what to say. I don’t even have the $2 cover charge for which you get a beer. There’s so much going on around town, tours and hikes that I should be doing for the website, but I just can’t.
Obviously, when I first planned to move I knew it would be tough to survive, not as tough as it’s been, but I also had faith that long before now I would be earning some money from my websites. Before I even left Canada I had met Anna who was going to work for me as soon as I got here. I figured I would be earning a few hundred dollars a month at least by February or so. That obviously didn’t work out and I’ve been struggling to find someone to do sales for me ever since. I was so thrilled when Phoenix was going to work for me, but that didn’t work out either. Even making a couple hundred dollars a month right now would save my ass.
It’s only the eleventh of the month, meaning twenty-one days left until I get my pathetic pensions again. I seem to be going backwards here. It’s also incredibly frustrating that that idiot back in London, who owes me at least three hundred dollars from what he’s sold, won’t answer me about anything. I don’t know what he’s sold for sure or what he has left. My friend Denise said she would go to his work and ask him what the hell he’s doing, plus she offered to take whatever he has left and sell it for me, but she’s been too busy working two jobs and hasn’t had time to get to him. My dealer friend, who Rick works for, got really angry at me asking him to find out what’s going on with Rick. I don’t know what else to do as the guy seems intent on ripping me off.
There’s also the mess with my former landlady who hasn’t paid me the two hundred dollars she owes me. She refuses to even answer my messages. I’ve had two friends that know her and I’ve asked for their help, including one of my taxi drivers, who I paid a lot of money to, whose father is a police chief, but I got nowhere. I never had a lease with her or any documentation on the rent she promised to pay me back when she asked me to move out, so I can’t go to the police to go after her. I so want to shame her on Facebook but the laws here are really tough on libel and slander, so without any documentation I would really be taking my chances. She’s very active on Facebook though and I’ve warned her that I will make it public if she doesn’t pay, but that got nowhere either.
Although I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do given my situation with my insulin, I also have the return portion of my airfare. I’ve emailed COPA to see how I get a refund, but the cost of the trip now is a lot higher then back when I came, mostly because of the falling dollar, so if I get a refund to help me survive, then have to return to Canada, it will cost me a lot more.
The situation with my insulin is really unclear right now. A guy in Hamilton volunteered to bring my insulin down, but then he checked with CATSA and they told him you can’t carry medications other than your own. I told him that when I brought my carry-on cooler bag with my six month’s supply of insulin packed in ice no one even asked me to open the bag. I had all my documentation from my doctor and the pharmacist but no one ever asked to see it. I told him Denise would unpack the vials from the boxes with my name on them and put it in a plastic container marked “insulin”. He could then pack it in his check-in luggage and if anybody asked he could say it was his and that he unpacked the boxes to save space. He wouldn’t budge, even when I said I was getting the insulin for free so even if he had to dump it I wasn’t any worse off, although, of course, I would be. Other people, mostly from the States, have offered to bring my insulin back with them, but I would have to courier the insulin to them in the States, which costs money I don’t have.
The other major issue with getting my insulin is that my pharmacist friend at Shoppers said he can’t renew my prescription because he now knows I am out of the country. I guess he must have gotten into some trouble when he supplied my dry meds because he clearly knew I was out of the country then as well. The doctor who prescribed my medications refused to renew my prescription for insulin unless she saw me, which is absurd, so I have to go back to my family doctor to see if she will do the prescription even though she has never done it before. Even if she does agree to give me the prescription it has to be given to my old pharmacy, Rexall and I have to pray that Denise can pick it up for me without any hassle. I’m going to tell her to tell them I am sick but need my insulin. It’s all so complicated and frustrating. I am this close to just giving up and going back to Canada, horrible as that will be.
I haven’t been able to get in touch with Kathy, the girl who’s been doing my residency application. I don’t know if she’s paid the $350 I gave her to pay the government fee. Immigration has my passport which means I can’t go anywhere, not even back to Canada without my passport. Two weeks ago she said she was going to pay the fee and courier my passport to me, but she picks now to not even respond to my emails. Of course, given that it’s Ecuador, I’m panicking that she’s done something with my money and not paid the government. Even if she has paid the fee that means I have to fly to Guayaquil to pick up my cedula and I don’t have a dime to do that. I need my cedula to register for the national health care plan so that I can at least get my meds in three to four months, assuming I find a way to stay alive until then.
Even with all these troubles I just can’t stand the thought of being forced to give up and go back to Canada. Yes, I get my meds again and the GIS pension, but where the heck do I live and how do I survive? I have nothing but a few clothes and it would be brutal to try to start over again with nothing. I don’t know how I would even afford rent anywhere, let alone anything else, plus I’ve lost my dream of living out my life here in Ecuador, which I honestly don’t know if I can handle. I’ll never be able to afford to come back. I’ll have lost the months of very long days working on my websites because there’s no way I can do it from Canada. It’s so pathetic that the latest stats on my one website show that I am getting eight thousand visits a day and that the site is valued at over five grand. Talk about timing. I’ll have nothing but regrets and nothing to live for. I’ll go crazy with nothing to do. I don’t even have all my winter coats and boots that I gave away to survive if I’m homeless.
I feel that I am in a no win situation. The thoughts of starving are pretty bad. I’m diabetic and not eating will kill me, which, right now, in my lousy mental state, maybe isn’t all that bad. I just feel so beat down by everything that’s happening. I’ve lost control over my life and I have no clue what to do to get it back. Trying to survive when I can’t afford a coffee makes my life here just terrible. The smallest things, like getting my washing done for only a few dollars every week, is out of reach. I’ve looked at the food I have and know that it will not be enough to keep me going until the end of the month. I volunteer every Friday at the soup kitchen and realize I may soon need to eat there myself, not that one meal a week will keep me alive.
I know you must be sick of hearing my troubles and I’m sorry to burden you with them. I just feel so lost with no one to talk to and more lonely than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. All my dreams and efforts to make a better life for myself seem to be getting more and more impossible to achieve. Something has to change or I’ll lose it soon. My options seem to be dwindling fast.
If you’ve read all this, thank you, my dear friend. It helps to at least be able to vent about things and not keep them all trapped inside. I hope you know that.
Cheers!
Why I don't regret leaving Canada
There was a recent article in CuencaHighLife about why Expats go home. Many try to avoid that I told you so from friends and family by making up a cover story. It's a sick parent that needs care. My kids need my support. I need surgery and would feel more comfortable having it at home. Many simply admit that they miss some of the things back home, like Christmas with family or being able to shop at Wal-Mart.
This got me thinking about my own decision to move to Ecuador and, most recently, the thought of being forced to return to Canada if I couldn't get my residency here, on which I came close. What would I be returning to? Basically I would have been homeless in Toronto, a city I loathe. My pensions would not have been enough to live on pretty well anywhere in Canada. I would have my meds paid for which helps, but, as my dear friend put it, I would basically be "molding", waiting to die. Not much of a life.
As with any major life-changing decision, there were many, many factors involved. Someone said to me that you need to consider why you are moving to somewhere and not why you are moving from somewhere. That's easier said than done. I knew that I was far from happy living in London, Ontario and had to make some kind of move. It boiled down to leaving the country or moving back out West where I had spent fourteen of the best years of my life.
The problems with moving back out to the Okanagan were numerous. First and foremost, it's very expensive to live in the Okanagan. It's become the lifestyles of the rich and famous to live there and my pensions would mean I could barely afford rent. At sixty-five there's little chance that I would find any kind of employment and for the life of me I couldn't think of any business idea that would make me some extra money. The other issue was lifestyle. My wonderful years in the valley were spent with numerous friends and loads of activities, pretty well none of which I would be able to do now, both from a financial standpoint and my deteriorating health. My life was full of physical activity, like skiing, roller-blading, dirt-biking, cross-country skiing, downhill skiing, playing racquetball, hiking, biking and dancing two or three nights a week at the Corral. When I first left the Okanagan to go to Panama I sold everything I had. I no longer had any of my "toys" like my snowmobile, my dirt-bike, my boat, my truck or anything like my water skis, my cross-country equipment or my downhill skis. I would be starting over with nothing and my health would mean I couldn't do pretty well anything anyway, so moving back out West was ruled out.
Another huge factor about moving out West was that my parents were now both gone. I originally had moved out West back in 1993 to be with my mother who had been diagnosed with fifth stage melanoma and was only given a five percent chance of living another six months. She defied all odds and lived until 2007 so I got to spend a lot of great times with her. Although my relationship with my Dad was rocky at times, we still had great times dirt biking around Kelowna and in Revelstoke. They lived on the lake in Westbank so we had a lot of great times at their place. After Mum was in a home I had sold their place, so that was gone now. My sister had pulled my mother out of the care facility I had worked so hard to get her in and that was a total disaster. I blame her for basically ending my mother's life, for which I cannot forgive her. My brother was useless from the start and couldn't even care for Mum for one day to give me a much needed break. It boiled down to not having any family out West.
As for my own family, when I came back from Panama to Toronto in 2009 I hoped I would be able to reconnect with my kids and meet my five grandkids as well. Despite my best efforts I had not seen or even spoken to my daughter since moving West in 1993. My brief connection with my son when he found himself in trouble with the law about his work ended just as quickly. We had reconnected briefly when his job brought him to London but that ended badly as well and we haven't spoken since. Despite my horrible situation with my kids I am a strong believer in family and hoped that we could put things back together, but my dear friend again said I could sit around waiting for them until I died. If I moved to Ecuador and somehow magically they wanted to reconnect there's always Skype and I could return to Canada for Christmas maybe. It sounded like a much better alternative.
Of course living in Canada means dealing with winter. When I was out West I loved the winter because I cross-country skied two or three times a week. I ran the hiking club even in the winter. I snowmobiled around Kelowna and mostly in Revelstoke with my brother-in-law and we had a ball. I downhill skied at Big White and Silver Star as often as I could afford. I even got to skate on the lake one year when Green Bay froze. Once I moved to London, Ontario the winter was just cold and miserable. I froze waiting for the buses. Driving was horrible. I never did a thing in the five years I was in London and it was just plain cold. Nothing was good in the winter. I knew I wouldn't miss it a bit.
Since arriving in London I had worked all day, every day, trying to find a job and I had applied for over a thousand jobs and never got one interview. The only job I got was at a call centre, Stream Global, the worst company I had ever worked for in my entire life. I was making the grand sum of eleven dollars an hour, thirty percent of which went to my landlord because I was in a geared to income building. Revenue Canada also came after me and got a garnishee for another thirty percent of my income, so I was left with pretty well nothing to live on. As I approached sixty-five I accepted that I was never going to find a job anywhere. I had been accepted into a self-employment program but that was running out in December so I would only have my pensions to live on. I was also looking at London Housing and ODSP coming after me for undeclared income which would only make things worse. I had declared bankruptcy and had just finished the two years paying for it and didn't want to go through that again. I knew that they couldn't touch me in Ecuador.
So, I get it. If I had a great relationship with my kids and grandkids naturally I would miss them terribly and this might well make me want to return to Canada to be with them, but this isn't the case, much as I wish it were. Christmas? I've spent the last five years alone with no real Christmas. Friends? Despite my best efforts I was never able to make a single friend in London. It's a cold town. Winter? Nothing to miss there. I much prefer year round spring here in Ecuador.
Finally, is life in Ecuador perfect? No. Things are a lot different here. The language barrier is huge and I need to improve my Spanish. The pace of life is a lot slower and getting things done can be frustrating. There's a ton of things I miss, like being able to buy my much loved President's Choice products or treating myself to Wendy's. I can't get things shipped overnight like I so often did in Canada. I can't go to see a movie in 3D. It's hard to find products you are used to, but you make do. The most important difference is that life here is a lot more affordable and less stressful, so it's all well worth it.
So, I have no regrets about the decision to move to Ecuador. Not a one.
Are We Having Fun Yet?
This is yours truly's personal experience as a Canadian coming to Ecuador to live out what's left of my life. This post is more of a journal covering my preparations for filing for residency as a pensionado and my journey to avoid being forced to return to Canada.
Your own experience will be determined by where you live, which will then determine if you deal with an Ecuadorian consulate or the Embassy in Ottawa. The general advice if you are looking at moving to Ecuador is first to visit the country for an extended period, at least a month and more if you can. Your tourist Visa gives you ninety days to explore the various regions and determine what area you might want to move to. There are vast differences in areas of the country, from climate to culture. Coming from Canada you will certainly experience culture shock with Ecuador. For some people it's simply too much. Others consider it an adventure. The number one issue you will face everywhere in the country is language. The more proficient you are in Spanish the better off you will be. Bring a good translation book or a smart phone with Spanish downloaded. The Ecuadorian people in general are very warm, friendly and more than willing to help you, but you must make an effort to speak to them in Spanish.
Ecuador has more diverse regions than just about any county in the world. The difference between living in a large city like Guayaquil, which is very hot and humid all day, every day, and anywhere in the mountains, such as Cotacachi, at very high altitude, with more spring-like weather all year, are vast. Many places, such as Cuenca, which has a very large Expat population, have many of the things that Canadians are familiar with, such as malls and theatres. More remote areas don't have many of these common North American type venues.
In my case I made the decision to up and move to Ecuador, for many reasons I won't go into here. I had spent sixteen months living in Boquete, Panama, so I had some experience with the culture shock and knew that it wouldn't be a problem for me. After months of research I made the decision to move to Cotacachi in the mountains, mostly because I had spent fourteen wonderful years in BC and saw many similarities in Cotacachi. I am no fan of extreme hot or cold weather, so Cotacachi's climate seemed ideal.
After considerable research on the immigration requirements of Ecuador I traveled to the consulate in Toronto to start on preparing my documents. Unfortunately, before my four hour trip from London, I was given totally inaccurate information on what to bring. For example, I had brought colour copies of my various identification. What I didn't know was that any documents had to be notarized and then submitted to the official government documents office, a government agency I didn't even know existed. Off I went to the closest notary and then to the government office then back to the consulate, only to be told that they were closing at 1:00 in the afternoon. They told me I needed a bank statement showing I had sufficient funds, something they didn't qualify, so off I rushed to my closest bank branch and came back minutes before the consulate was closing. They told me they couldn't deal with me and that I would need to come back. No concern was shown for my four hour trip.
Given the frustration of dealing with the consulate I contacted the Embassy in Ottawa and I met Rolando, who turned out to be an incredibly helpful person. After I explained my disappointing experience with the consulate he informed me that he would, in fact, be moving to the consulate in the new year. He then asked me to send him my passport and the documents I had prepared and he said he would get me a six month Visa, which he did. He was most helpful in getting my Service Canada pension letters translated and many other things. When I left Canada I felt that I had everything I needed to apply for my Visa when I arrived in Ecuador.
Here's the first of many mistakes I made. With a six month Visa I was in no hurry to apply for residency, plus I had to wait to receive my GIS pension to pay to file. Second, I didn't know that you had to register your Visa right away. No one told me that nor was there a word on the government website about it. Lessons learned.
Although I did have the funds to apply for residency originally, I ended up in a private hospital for four days, which cost me an outrageous $1,200 so there went my residency fund. What happened with my GIS pension would fill a book. Save to say that the amount I was promised to receive by the end of Janaury didn't happen. After three months of calling Service Canada, getting nowhere, I contacted my MP in London, who then started going through what I had experienced, also getting nowhere. In total desperation I then emailed the Minister, somewhat dramatically saying that there would be a letter on my cold dead body blaming my government for my demise. To my considerable surprise I received a call from a supervisor at Service Canada two days later advising me that everything had been sorted out and I should receive the money in a couple of days.
Another important factor that I learned only after I arrived here was that there was a three month waitig period before you could apply for the national health care plan, and that was only after you received your cedula, a process which also takes about a month after you apply. Thanks to my pharmacist and OHIP I had managed to bring a six month supply of my very important diabetic medications with me, but with the delays in applying for my cedula I would run out long before I was in the plan. Given that my Visa was about to expire on May 29th I had contacted a facilitator in Quito to start the process when I hopefully got my GIS, but time was running out on me. He had registered my Visa, but was waiting for the $850 to start my application.
Prior to finally getting my GIS I had posted a desperate plea on Facebook for help. A person had advised me to contact an organization called VisaAngels in Cuenca. I could write yet another book on how wonderful they were in helping me, although what I had to go through was difficult, to say the least. Kathy, one of the angels, told me that recent change to immigration laws for Canadians would make it very difficult to file in Quito. Her experience was that it was much easier in Guayaquil. She wanted me to come to Cuenca where she was based and we would travel the three hours to Guayaquil to file my application there. Despite the fact that I thought my documents were perfect with the help of the Embassy, they weren't, so she had to arrange to do a number of additional translations.
I left Cotacachi on an early morning bus and I asked the driver if I would then catch a bus in Otavalo for Quito and then Cuenca and he said that was correct. When I arrived in Quito I asked where the bus was for Cuenca and was told several different places, all of which proved wrong and then finally I got the right booth. She informed me that the only bus to Cuenca left at 10:00 o'clock that night, twelve hours from now. Obviously panicked now I started wandering around looking for help. A man told me that I was at the wrong bus terminal for a bus to Cuenca and then found me a taxi to take me to the right terminal. I should have asked, but the next thing is that I have a thirty dollar taxi fare to the new terminal. I did find the right bus which was leaving in a hour, but it didn't get into Cuenca until 10:00 o'clock that night. Nine hours in that bus was no fun.
The next morning Kathy picked me up at the ungodly hour of five o'clock from my hostel and we headed off to Guayaquil, three hours away. Once the sun came up we realized what amazing country we were traveling through, high up in the mountains. Another couple, Richard and Carolyn from Winnipeg, were also with us to file for their residency. Other than the crazy traffic, the only comment I can make about Guayaquil is how unbelievably hot and humid it was. I can't believe that 2.6 million people make it their home.
We had some running around to do after we arrived, things I had no clue why we were doing, but we were in Kathy's capable hands so we didn't question anything. When we finally arrived at immigration I couldn't believe how huge the office was and how many people were waiting to be dealt with. When our number finally came up Richard and Carolyn went first. A few minutes later Richard comes back, hands me my file and photos and tells me that Kathy said that my Spanish was good enough to go it alone, so watch for my number to come up. Given how all this had gone so badly from the start I was trying not to shake. When my number was called I was met by a most grim looking man who I thought just wanted to deny me acceptance. I did notice that he was the only one of the clerks who was wearing a suit and tie so I told him he looked very professional. He seemed to warm a little, although he must have gone through my documents five times, reading every single word. My only goal was to not shake. Finally he sent me off to pay my thirty dollars and things appeared to be fine, which Kathy confirmed later, they were and I could stay in Ecuador. I still won't feel totally relaxed until I actually get my cedula, which I also just learned I need to go to Guayaquil again to get my photo taken and receive my cedula.
Only fitting that after Giovanny at my hostel made numerous phone calls about getting a more direct bus back and his mother had actually gone out to the bus terminal to buy my ticket, after I had confirmed that I had to switch buses in Otavalo to get the one for Cotacachi, I peered out the window and realized that we had not stopped in Otavalo. I asked a fellow passenger where we were going and he told me to Ibarra, so after all those hours on the bus I manage to find a way to spend even more hours getting back to Cotacachi. I was never more happy to finally be home and now I have thoughts that hopefully this will now be my home forever. Hopefully I will soon receive the email telling me I have been approved and then off I go again to Guayaquil. My cedula entitles me to a fifty percent discount on in country flights, so maybe I can fly back and avoid that long bus ride.
My Facebook Post
Admittedly out of total desperation, I did this post on Facebook. I got a lot of responses, mostly sympathy and one offer to invest which turned out to be bogus.
A friend recently wrote a very lengthy post about her health challenges and she generated a huge amount of support, which I’m sure she appreciated. Partly because you never know who is reading your posts, but mainly because I find myself in a desperate situation, I am making the difficult decision to lay out my cards in the hopes that someone can help.
In making the decision to move to Ecuador I did a lot of research on gaining my residency. Working with the Ecuadorian Embassy in Ottawa I had all the required documents prepared to submit my application. When I turned 65 in October I would be receiving two pensions which met the minimum income requirements for residency. I would also be receiving another pension, called the GIS. Last September I spoke directly to a lady at the GIS processing centre who confirmed that I would receive $455 a month starting in November; however, they were running sixteen weeks behind in processing so the money would be deposited in my account by the end of January. I asked her if I should wait until I actually received this money before traveling in Ecuador and she assured me that there would be no problem and told me to “have a good time”.
I sold everything I owned and came to Ecuador December 2nd. I knew that with the lower cost of living here I could survive on my two pensions and I had some extra funds as a safety net. I planned to file my residency application in February; however, I took sick and my landlady made the unfortunate decision to bypass the public hospital in Otavalo and instead take me to a private hospital in Ibarra. When I went to check out four days later I was shocked to be presented with a $1,200 bill. There went my money to file for residency but I figured I could file after I had received the GIS pension. I needed to file in February because of the three month waiting period for my medical coverage.
January came and went and no deposit. Thus began more than a two month process of phoning them every week, but getting no response. They threw all kinds of new requirements at me and at one point said they would not approve any funds until I returned to Canada. Finally I got my local Member of Parliament involved and she had a way of speaking to the GIS people directly, so she got some answers, none of which were good. They said that the information I had been given back in September was all wrong and they approved a payment which was a fraction of the $455 I had been told. This has left me with no way to fund my residency application and my current six month Visa expires May 29th, forcing me to return to nothing in Canada. I have nowhere to live and will be homeless trying to get into scarce space in shelters. My limited pensions mean that I will need geared to income housing; however, the wait list in Toronto is currently two years.
The saddest part of being forced to return to Canada is losing the website business I have worked on day and night for eight months. Before I came to Ecuador I registered WelcomeToEcuador.ca, a website designed for Canadians who were looking to visit or relocate to Ecuador. After arriving here I also registered domains for Banos, Cotacachi, Cuenca, Guayaquil, Quito and Vilcabamba. In addition to display advertising I was also developing business directories, events calendars and forums. My primary site is coming up on page one of search results now, plus 144 people have subscribed to the site without any promotion. Working with the Ecuadorian Embassy in Canada I got approval to use the official tourism logo, the only site that can, plus they said they would keep me informed on any developments by the government.
Accepting that returning to Canada will destroy my business I am willing to sell an interest in the business to be able to stay here and grow the business. I am proposing a forty percent interest for five thousand dollars, far less than it’s worth, but I must accept the reality of my situation. I would expect a ten times return on this investment within a short period. Anyone familiar with the business of websites knows that growth can be exponential if you have the right formula. International Living just voted Ecuador the number one country for retirement and there is huge interest from Canadians right now. Over half of the sixteen hundred lots available at Mirador San Jose have been sold to Canadians.
On a personal level I love Ecuador and I love Cotacachi, where I live. Everything from my research about the country has proved to be true and I don’t want to leave. My plan was to travel the country, taking photos and writing articles for the websites. I was about to hire a Sales Director to handle business directory listings and advertising sales. I know the business is there and will be profitable. I just hope that someone shares my faith in Ecuador and will join me in growing this business.
Thank you.
The only constant in life is change
This website was originally mostly for my kids, just in case they or the five grandkids I have, who I have never met, ever wondered about me. Then it was the model for a project I developed, YourLifeDomain, which I honestly believed would be very successful because it allowed everyone to have their very own website about their life. I'm sure it went nowhere only because I didn't have the clout of a Google or Microsoft, even though I tried very hard to pitch it to them. I'm sure like everything else they will come out with something similar soon and make millions from it.
At too many other times in my life the site has been therapeutic, allowing me to vent about something that was bringing me down. This is one of those times. I doubt anyone is still following me or cares, but this is still a record of sorts of my life, good and bad. Right now is really bad, probably as bad as it's ever been. Like everyone I've had some traumatic moments in my life, the worst still being when my Dad died in my arms. Some decisions I've made have not always worked out, like when I made the decision to move out West to be with my mother for whatever years she had left after being diagnosed with cancer. I had no idea that one of the consequences would be losing my daughter, who I now haven't had any contact with for over twenty years. I honestly thought she would come out for vacations, partly to see me, but also because she loved it out West and she loved my family. I don't know if what happened was her decision or her mother's, because she was always so paranoid that Heather would move out West and leave her. I'll never know. Not a day has gone by that I don't think of my daughter and miss her terribly.
Late last year I realized that I was basically wasting my life just praying that one day my kids would make the decision to connect with me and I would get to be involved with my five grandkids. I had been living in a city I loathed, London, for five years and there was no good reason to think anything was ever going to change with my kids. My dear friend, Heather, basically summed it up that I was molding waiting for something that would never happen. We talked for hours about me wanting to move to Ecuador where I had a shot at a much better life. She was oh so correct in saying that I would regret not going, giving up on my dreams.
The more I researched Ecuador the better it looked. I knew there was no way I could survive in Canada on my limited pensions and I faced just eking out a living. The cost of living was so much lower in Ecuador and I would certainly be better off there. They also had an excellent health care program where everything would be included for only eighty dollars a month, including my very expensive medications. They had just removed the age limit of sixty and removed pre-existing conditions, which being diabetic, would have excluded me. I was looking at several really nice apartments for under three hundred dollars a month, unheard of in Canada. Plus, no more winter.
Prior to coming to Ecuador I had done a huge amount of research on websites about Ecuador. Ecuador was hot and not many Canadians even knew where it was, let alone all the wonderful things it had to offer to Canadians. I registered WelcomeToEcuador.ca and got to work. I barely had the site functional and already had 127 people subscribe to my site, so I knew I was on to something. I was at the Ecuadorian consulate in Toronto and one of the people there was on the visitor computer and on my website. When I mentioned to her that it was my site all the other people there said they had also visited my site and loved it. That was very encouraging.
I had also been in touch with the Ecuadorian Embassy in Ottawa about some of my documents. They were equally impressed by my website and not only promised to keep me up-to-date on information about Ecuador, but they approved me using the tourism logo on my website, a major fact given that no one else could do this. Things were starting to look very good.
I sold my wonderful little Honda and just about everything else I owned and flew to Ecuador December 2nd, full of promise about how much better off I was going to be, plus a sense of adventure about exploring this new country. I still had some misgivings about my kids, but, as Heather had said, there's always Skype and I could come back for a visit if that was in the cards. I had started working feverishly on my website project and had total faith that this was going to be successful, allowing me to travel the country to take photos and write articles, while making extra money to make my life even better.
My first major setback was ending up in hospital. Instead of taking me to a public hospital where everything was free, for some unknown reason my landlady took me to a private hospital in a nearby town. I didn't realize it was a private hospital until they presented me with a whopping twelve hundred dollar bill on being discharged. This was a major financial setback.
When I first looked at my finances for Ecuador I had been receiving my early pension plus I would soon receive the OAS, for just under a thousand dollars a month total. Not enough to live on in Canada by any means, but I would do better in Ecuador. This was before the dollar tanked so that hasn't worked out as planned. The other major part of my planning was the GIS that I would receive for six months. I spoke to a lady at the processing centre who had my application in front of her. She said I would receive $455 a month but that it would not be deposited until the end of January because they were that far behind. I knew that this pension ended if you were out of the country for more than six months so I told her I was thinking of traveling in Ecuador and asked if this would be any problem. She assured me that it wouldn't and told me to have a good time.
The end of January came and went and no money had been deposited. Thus started a program of calling Service Canada each and every week trying to find out what was going on. This money was needed for me to file for permanent residency in Ecuador and I needed to do this right away because it takes time. Getting nowhere I contacted my MP asking for help. She got answers although they weren't great. Instead of the $455 I had been told I only got $144 a month, not enough to file for my residency. My current Visa expires May 31st and without a residency application file I have to leave the country. This means returning to Canada with nothing. I have nowhere to live. I face getting off the plane and having nowhere to go. The saddest part will be giving up my dreams of Ecuador, mostly my website business.
The only possible alternative to returning to Canada is selling part of my business to be able to afford to file for my residency and stay here. I've approached some people back in Canada and, through my doctor, hopefully some contacts of hers in Ecuador. I have no real idea what the business is worth, although the name is certainly gaining some traction plus I am starting to show up on page one of search results. I worked all day, every day, seven days a week for months on my sites and that's certainly worth something compared to someone starting fresh. I've proposed forty percent for five thousand dollars US, not because that's all I think it's worth, but because that's what I need to survive. Not the right way to value a business with so much potential, but I accept that if I return to Canada the business is dead. There is simply no way I will ever be able to afford to return to Ecuador.
I've started planning my return, sad as that is. I've contacted COPA about my return flight. I've basically given my notice to my landlady about my wonderful apartment. I'm going to be selling everything I can't take with me, like my monitor and my printer. I continue to work on my websites just in case something happens, but it's hard to stay enthused, at least the way I was before. The time I have left seems so very short and it's depressing to say the least.
A near death experience changes your perspective on life.
Last night was as close as I ever hope to come. My cabana is freezing so I have a fire going constantly while I work on my computer. Every once in a while my landlady will come down to deliver a meal and she'll comment on how much smoke there is, something I don't often notice. Big mistake. Last night I thought I was just tired so I laid down on the bed for a quick nap. The next thing I remember is waking up in hospital with the doctor and the family all crowded around me. To my considerable shock when I asked what time it was I had lost three hours.
Life is timing. Apparently my landlady had brought down my dinner and found me unresponsive. They had called an ambulance and rushed me to the hospital, according to the doctor, within a scant twenty minutes of dying from carbon monoxide poisoning. Way too close for comfort.
To say that life has been challenging since making the decision to move to Ecuador would be a gross understatement. I could write a book on the factors that led me to this life-changing decision. After five years languishing in London, Ontario my dear friend Heather put it best. She said I was basically molding waiting for things to happen. My biggest wish after landing in London had been that my kids would reconnect with me and I would get to meet my five grandkids. Heather made me realize that I could well spend the rest of my life, living in a place that I loathed with a passion, waiting for something that would never happen. If I at least focused on me and did what I wanted to do and went to Ecuador and then the kids had a change of heart there's always Skype and I have a return ticket to visit if that was in order. Made sense to me.
As I said, there were a ton of other factors that led to the decision. My finances were in a total mess, with the house of cards I had built about to collapse on me. I had been drawing ODSP and not claiming the money I was getting under the self-employment program, meaning I would need to repay my support payments. I also had not been claiming my self-employment benefit to my landlord, who would take thirty percent of it. That was all about to get matched up through the government and would leave me in a mess with huge debts I could not pay back. Add how much I hated living in London and it was clear I had to get away.
It came down to moving back out West or moving to another country. My life out West had been amazing but I realized that my deteriorating health would mean that life would not be the same. My parents were both gone and I was estranged from my brother and sister, for good reason. I didn't have any boats or dirt bikes or snowmobiles and living on my meagre pensions I never would. I wouldn't be roller-blading or cross country skiing or hiking in the mountains. I couldn't even dance for hours at the Corral, something that was a huge part of my life. Many of my wonderful friends from those years had moved on and it was clear that life would be a hollow shadow of what it was before.
That left leaving the country and the question was to where? My time in Panama convinced me that there was no way I would ever go back there. I started researching various countries in warmer climes and settled on Ecuador for a host of good reasons. My research showed that Ecuador was positioned to be a prime tourist and retirement destination for Canadians. I felt that if I built a website dedicated to Canadians I could generate some extra income from the site. WelcomeToEcuador.ca was born and has consumed my waking hours since arriving in Ecuador. In my research I met Ana, a lady who lived in the Otavalo area and she offered to help me to get settled. She also expressed some interest in working for me and she was bilingual so that showed promise. It also helped me to decide on living in that area. The mountains were spectacular and reminded me of BC. The climate also seemed ideal. I booked a week at what looked like a fabulous cabin, intending to look for an apartment while I was staying there.
The cabin turned out to be more than I could have wished for and the family greeted me with such warmth that I thought of staying there longer term. With Ana's assistance we sat down and negotiated a deal for me to stay on a month to month basis. It was to include all meals, firewood, my washing once a week, DirecTV, cleaning and, most importantly, hi-speed internet for my work, for $350 a month. Looked like a good deal at the time but I soon learned that things are different in Ecuador.
When we first discussed me staying more long term I asked what current bookings they had. They only had two nights in February that had not been confirmed and they said they could put them in another cabin anyway. No sooner had I paid the rent for a month than they told me I had to move out to the main house for two nights. No sooner had I got settled back in than she tells me I have to move out yet again for two nights starting today. Not exactly what was planned or agreed. Added to this was she came and asked me to pay another month's rent to "help them out as a friend". This certainly caught me off-guard but I found myself explaining that because of the $1,200 for the hospital visit I had no extra money to "help out". That didn't go down too well. No sooner had I dealt with that than she asks me for $200 to pay their taxes. I've already paid the rent two weeks in advance, which I probably should not have done.
There's a lot of other things that aren't going according to plan. My cabana is freezing and they don't have the promised firewood, so I had to go and buy my own. My meals have basically been rice and salad and I've spent a fortune at the SuperMaxi in Ibarra on real food. No sooner do I give it to her to put in the fridge than someone in the family eats it. For New Year's Eve I bought two bottles of Bacardi Rum, but because I was feeling so lousy I only had one drink. The next day I discover that they have drank both my bottles and I'm still waiting for them to be replaced. Not only did I get to buy the rum but I also got to pay for the taxi even though they spent hours shopping. I seem to be the "cash cow" for everything. Oh, and my washing once a week? I have to beg for underwear. Cleaning? I get to do the cleaning. DirecTV? Still waiting even though I paid an extra $10 for it. Hi-speed internet? Still waiting and now they inform me that I have to pay an extra $20 for that. Time to move? You bet.
Another one of those life moments
We all experience those life-changing moments - getting married; the birth of a child; the death of a parent; changing careers; traumatic experiences and major health issues. They change our life path and shape who we are. Life is a combination of opportunity, dumb luck, fate and our own decisions. Among my life changing moments were getting married far too young when my soon to be wife got pregnant. The birth of my son and daughter, two of the most life altering experiences. Getting divorced after trying too hard to make it work for twenty-three years. At the time I didn't know it would result in the biggest regret of my life - losing my children. I have not spoken to my daughter in over twenty years and my attempts to reconnect with my son two years ago failed miserably. I have only held one of my five grandkids in my arms when she was just born. I believe my grandkids believe I am dead. The greatest mystery of my life is why my kids chose to cut themselves off from me and my entire family. I have always suspected that my ex was so paranoid about my kids moving out West to be with me in a place they loved that she lied to them and didn't give them any of the cards and letters I sent in the early years. They obviously believe I simply abandoned them which could not be further from the truth. I got so desperate to see my daughter that I drove down in the dead of winter, nearly losing my life in the process, only to have my ex and her new husband squirrel my daughter away and not let me see her.
The most traumatic and life altering event was the death of my father, who died in my arms after having an asthma attack in the water and what the coroner called "dry drowning". For an agonizing half hour I administered CPR, not really confident that I was doing the right thing until the paramedics told me to keep doing what I was, believing that I was killing my father with my own ignorance of CPR. My mother suffered from Alzheimer's, something my father could not deal with, so after he died I moved in with her to care for her. No one who has not experienced caring for someone with these horrible disease could ever understand just how difficult it is. My brother and sister were not the least bit supportive and her care fell only to me. I felt trapped because I couldn't go anywhere and leave her. The few hours I got every week when a caregiver came to give me a much-needed break were never enough. My own life was put on hold. My asshole brother, a nurse, only looked after her for one night and couldn't take it. He forgot to give her her medications. In the morning he called me and said to get home because he couldn't handle her, something I did 24/7. After eight long months pleading to get my mother in to a care facility and finally succeeding, my ignorant sister pulled her out and put her in an assisted living facility in Revelstoke. No sooner had she arrived than she was found wandering the streets of Revelstoke with no clue where she was. My sister went through the hell I had been living through and was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I had warned her that if she removed Mum from the care facility she would be assuming full responsibility for Mum and I would do nothing more. I have never forgiven my sister for what she did, and never will. In my eyes she killed our mother.
When BIG isn't BEAUTIFUL
Decades ago, back when I started to dabble in the computer business, everything was DOS based, the IBM operating system. It was awkward, cumbersome, counter-intuitive and basically just a pain. Getting anything done involved a knowledge of cryptic commands that took forever to learn. Bill Gates realized that we all needed a better way to interact with computers and helped to developed the Window's GUI (Graphical User Interface) based in large part of the work of Xerox and Apple. Windows 1.0 was born and would soon become the dominant desktop interface on more than ninety percent of the world's computers. Soon Microsoft starting flexing its wings and got involved in a growing trend to have local networks linking computers together with a central server. At the time the dominant player was Novell who had the majority of the networking market.
Back in those heady days I got involved in installing local networks. My first was using Novell, which came with thirteen extremely thick and complex manuals on how to setup a local network. I started on page one and six weeks later had a working office network. Over the course of several subsequent installs and although Novell was somewhat helpful, the best help came from Microsoft. Support was always free and incredibly responsive. On one install at midnight our time I had two Microsoft engineers on the phone helping me install a network card that wasn't working. Their research showed that I had to cut a track on the card, which back then cost over three hundred dollars. As we were discussing the potential danger of destroying the card I went ahead and cut the track. It worked and we all shared a laugh at my gutsy move.
Yes. Those were the "good old days" when Microsoft focused on their customers and did everything humanly possible to help them. Not only did they release better and better versions of Windows over the years, but they also developed a flagship desktop software program, Office, which also quickly became the worldwide standard in desktop productivity software. Among it's many integrated systems, Word and Excel quickly became the standard.
Over the last few years, ever since Bill Gate's departure as Chief Software Engineer, Microsoft has made a number of missteps. They completely missed the boat on the huge potential of search engines, effectively giving the market to Google. Their foray into music sharing with Zune was a disaster, giving the market to Apple's iPod and iTunes. They completely missed the obvious growth of smart phones and tablets. Even Windows now has a ridiculous amount of versions, and not since Windows XP, the de facto standard for years, have consumers readily understood what Microsoft is doing. Their branding has been pathetic and inconsistent at best. Their next version is widely expected to be Windows 9 and hopefully they'll be smart enough to roll all other versions into that moniker, such as Windows 9 Professional for business.
Besides all these obvious missteps the biggest change at Microsoft has been their total lack of concern over customer complaints, best illustrated by the disaster that is Office 2013. For some completely unknown and unexplained reason, the Office team took a giant step backward and released only three themes for this version, all of them virtually unusable. The response from the prerelease focus groups was terrible. No one liked the themes. Everyone found them to be very hard on the eyes, with many visually challenged users stating they could not distinguish the "colors" of grey and they developed serious eye strain. Despite this clear feedback Microsoft decided to unleash these themes on the public. Corporate users, who, partly because of volume licensing agreements that included upgrades, but more out of habit, began rolling out the "upgrade" to Office 2013, only to be met with howls from their users that they HATED the lack of themes. At great expense they were forced to roll their thousands of computers back to Office 2010. Hundreds of posts began showing up on Microsoft's forum under the heading "how to change the themes in Office 2013". The early post from Microsoft ignored what users were saying and simply showed how to select from the three themes, all of which were horrible. Soon visually challenged users were complaining that they couldn't even use the new version because of the lack of contrast. Most damaging were the posts from corporate IT people saying they would not roll-out Office 2013 until the themes from Office 2010 were restored. New users quickly began insisting that their new computers came with Office 2010 and not Office 2013.
You would think that with this massive and predictable response to the lack of themes that Microsoft would jump on this and get the Office Team working overtime to restore the themes, right? Not so. Instead the second post from Microsoft was that they were measuring "pain points", but did not anticipate releasing any upgrades to restore the themes. The frustration and anger being expressed on this forum topic is unprecedented in Microsoft's history. Many people are predicting the demise of Office and even Microsoft itself, but Microsoft continues to show incredible arrogance by refusing to respond to the complaints. There are even suggestions that so many programmers have left the company that they no longer have the resources to solve the problem, regardless of how pressing the issue. No one is asking Microsoft to reinvent the wheel here. They just want the previous themes to be restored. How difficult is that?
Microsoft grew to be the behemoth it is today by listening and responding to the needs of customers. Without the vision of Bill Gates the company has clearly lost its way. They've invested millions, if not billions, in failed ventures, often long after the market has already been captured by others. Witness Bing. Internet Explorer, once the dominant browser, has now fallen to the least used browser, allowing Chrome to now dominate the market. Apple has run away with the iPhone and iPad markets because Microsoft failed to pay attention to what customers wanted. With the release of the first iPhone Ballmer stated that it wouldn't capture more than one or two percent of the market. Yeah, right. How's that for "vision"?
Are we really watching the fall of the once mighty Microsoft? They may well still have billions in the bank to keep them afloat, for now, but if they continue to make the same costly missteps even money in the bank won't save them. If I were a Google I would be investing every penny I could in developing an Office alternative. That would sound the death knell for Microsoft because it has always been their cash cow.
When your body starts falling apart. It will happen to you someday too.
The expression "the raves of the ages" is no more appropriate than when it comes to your body and your health. The years catch up to you long before you're ready. Yes, someday you will need the dreaded pill minder to keep track of all your pills and when to take them. That medicine cabinet that used to contain your Pepto and aftershave or perfume will soon be jammed with pill jars of every sort imaginable, many of which you won't even remember what they are for. Your calendar will go from keeping track of all the fun things you have planned, to all the doctor's appointments and tests you have. You'll be poked and prodded in every way possible trying to figure out what's now wrong with you. You think twice about taking that long awaited vacation because you don't want to be too far from your doctors.
Not that many years ago I was in the best of health. Even though back in 2004 I was diagnosed as diabetic all I took was Metformin to control it. I rarely checked my sugars, although I know I should have, but I could always tell by the way I felt. My diet didn't change much either, in fact, during my extensive renovation, when I didn't have a kitchen for six weeks, I ate fast food for every meal. It helped that I was busting my ass physically every day to work it off, but I was none the worse for wear and felt great.
My years in the Okanagan were filled with every activity imaginable. I roller-bladed for miles every Sunday. I dirt-biked in the hills around Kelowna and Revelstoke with my Dad and siblings. I water-skied, even learning to slalom. I ran a hiking club all year-round, hiking some really tough trails around Rose Valley and McDougall Ridge. In the winter I snowmobiled around Kelowna, but mostly in the mountains around Revelstoke. I downhill skied at Silver Star and Big White as often as I could afford. I cross-country skied at TeleMark usually three times a week. I played racquetball in a league at the Courtplex and usually went out and played for three hours on Sunday mornings. Back then they had a bar at the Courtplex and I would go off the court and light a cigarette and all the guys would look at me, amazed that I didn't cough my lungs out. I took the Canadian Lung Capacity test, three times, because the guy testing me couldn't figure out how I smoked, but I was in the top three percent of Canadian males. He figured his instruments were faulty. The most enjoyable thing I did was dance my butt off three nights a week at the Corral, usually from nine til two. That really kept me in shape.
My last couple of years in the Okanagan were spent renovating, first my parents' place to sell and then my own renovation from hell (long story). In my last year I worked fourteen hour days, usually seven days a week and it was all very physically demanding. When I did my river design out of rocks I figured I moved some fifteen thousand heavy rocks, placing them all around the house. Then there was framing and drywalling and painting and flooring and installing bathroom fixtures and kitchen cabinets. There was no shortage of things to do, but I loved it.
Even when things went horribly wrong and I had to flee the country to Panama, before I knew it I was renovating a three apartment house for a guy back in Kelowna. Other than playing a little pool at a local bar and taking one day to go to the ocean with friends, plus my side trips to Costa Rica to keep my tourist Visa alive, I worked very long days all over again. Except for a cold I could not seem to get rid of, I was healthy as an ox. I did continue the small doses of insulin I had been put on back home because of all the stress I was under and my sugars had spiked to life-threatening numbers.
When I returned to Canada to the safety of my cousin's place in Rexdale I did things like ride my bike all the way down from Islington and the 401 to go across to Centre Island. At one point after thinking I was not far from home I started walking, not realizing just how far it was. It had to be around thirty kilometres or so. I was exhausted by the time I got home. When I first moved to London, another long story, I biked all the trails in one day, quite the distance. I roller-bladed the trails and I ice-skated in the winter. Not a lot to do in this town. I did manage a couple of nights of dancing as well.
The downhill slide began when I was forced to leave the apartment I had been renting when the crazy landlady threatened to change the locks on me. I had no idea where I was going and stayed in my car, then a series of shelters. During this period I ran out of my medications, was out of them for six weeks and ended up in the hospital. I did not know at the time how much damage this had done. While living at the last shelter I got a job at Home Depot. At the time I could not afford decent steel-toed shoes so I bought the cheapest ones I could find and they were incredibly painful. After my shifts walking the concrete floors I could barely walk and this started it all.
Soon my feet were painful all the time. It felt like someone was holding a match under my feet and stabbing me randomly. Sleep was difficult. Walking was painful and I couldn't do anything physical anymore. Soon I was seeing a host of doctors and being put on all kinds of pills and doses of two insulins. The total lack of exercise and the insulin packed on almost forty pounds and I didn't wear it well. I had trouble hoisting myself up off the couch. The pain was intolerable and it sent me into depression. An EMG at the local hospital confirmed that I had peripheral neuropathy in my feet and it was starting in my hands, which terrified me because I spend all day on the computer. The doctor also said that the pain level was about a three and it would eventually be a ten. Not good news.
The other issue was that I developed what's called an incisional hernia which was a result of the botched surgery done in Panama to remove my gall bladder. It was painful at times and I was sent to consult with a surgeon at University Hospital. He confirmed that I had the hernia and required surgery, but said I was too fat for the surgery and if I had it done I might be in even more pain. He said I had to lose at least twenty pounds before he could operate. Just more good news. The results of the ultrasound for the hernia also showed that I had an enlarged liver and spleen. I still haven't seen a specialist on this one. I am also being referred for bariatric surgery but the wait times here in Ontario are up to ten years. I am also seeing a urologist in December because things aren't working down there, if you know what I mean. It's probably a combination of my age and the medications I take, not to mention my boy hasn't been called on to perform in years.
For me, the scariest issue is cancer. My mother nearly died because she had fifth stage melanoma but they caught it before it reached her lymph nodes, so she survived. Had it reached her lymph nodes and spread she was given less than a five percent chance of surviving more than six months. It was a terrible time for our family, partly because my mother was in the pink of health. She had never smoked and she walked five miles every morning. It made us all more aware of cancer. I had a birthmark on my forehead that had changed colour and developed little bumps. When I had it checked it turned out to be fifth stage melanoma and I had surgery to remove it. Just recently I had another birthmark that the doctor didn't like the look of, so I had a biopsy which came back positive as zero stage melanoma. The pathologist had the surgeon repeat the surgery to take a larger sample and I am waiting for the results. It's frightening on so many levels to think you have cancer.
So, if you have your health, treasure it. Eat right. Stay fit. One day you will look back on those days with longing. We are all mortal. I'm reminded of the saying, "live every day like it's your last because one day you will be right".
Never underestimate how much of a difference you can make
This was a very sobering experience and came as quite the surprise. My last post asked my "friends" to help me with the most important decision in my life. I am alone here in London with no friends to talk to and I hoped that people who I felt had been close friends in the past would give me their advice. With the exception of a handful of people, frankly people who were not what I would call "close" friends, not one of the people I asked for help from responded, even those who knew me very well for years.
Yes, I left the Okanagan in 2007 to go to Panama, so it's been seven years and I guess even your friends forget you after all those years, but I have kept in touch through Facebook and emails. The ironic part is that many of those same people have connected with me asking my advice. I chatted with them on Facebook or by phone and gave them all the time they needed, often several hours, but when the tables are turned and I ask for help, they're nowhere to be found. Sad.
One of the factors in thinking about moving back to the Okanagan was to reconnect with what I thought were my many friends. I had such great memories of all the great times we had over the years and thought it would be great to share some new times together. Apparently I am incredibly naive and stupid.
Without hopefully being too dramatic there has been a fourth option that I didn't mention in my original post. There have been times over the last few years, starting with being ripped off for everything I owned in Panama, really dark times when it all seemed to be too much to handle. Discovering that the girl I loved, the one I moved to London for, cheated on me with someone else she met on the internet, which broke my heart. Being forced to go to a shelter and lying in filth sweating in hundred degree heat trying to sleep. Getting kicked out of the shelters when the government screwed up. Sleeping on the floor of a colleague's office. Finally getting a job at Home Depot and my own apartment, then having my hours cut back to a minimum and I couldn't pay my rent. Going without my vital medications for six weeks and ending up in hospital, resulting in painful peripheral neuropathy that has ended any physical activity. Researching and applying to over a thousand companies for a job, with no response. The government denying my application for a disability pension because I missed the deadline for a Medical Report because I could not find a family doctor in London. Getting wrongfully dismissed from the worst job in my life at Stream and taking a year to get paid. Being turned down by three different Meet-Up groups with no explanation.
The worst time in all of this was when my diabetic specialist put me on Oxycontin, a narcotic, with no warning about the side effects. My life went from working long hours on the computer every day trying to get anything going, to lying on the couch all day, crying because I was so depressed. My seventh floor balcony looked awfully inviting many times. The struggles I had fought so valiantly, like the heartbreak of missing my kids, suddenly became overwhelming and I didn't see the point in continuing to fight. I had lost my will to survive.
I was very fortunate that I did fight back a little and researched the Oxycontin, only to learn that one of the major side effects was thoughts of suicide. In all there were seven side effects and I had all of them. I called my family doctor for advice on how to wean myself off this dangerous drug and I got back to normal. I had come far too close to ending it all. Part of the reason I asked for advice from my "friends" was to avoid making another mistake.
The fact that so many "friends" didn't think enough of me to give me just a few minutes out of their busy lives speaks volumes about who I thought I was to them. It has certainly given me a different perspective on my options.
I do again thank those who did take the time to try to help me.