Reflections On My 74th Birthday
Well, it's that time of year, again. Yet another year older. As is said "getting old is a privilege denied to many", so, although it's been a really tough year I guess I have to be grateful that I'm still here, especially this year. My intention, as always, was to post this on my birthday, but things got complicated with things like getting an eviction notice which scared the crap out of me. The wait time for an affordable apartment is now five to seven years so I figured I'd be homeless. I consulted a lawyer at the local legal aid clinic and he said not to worry because the Landlord and Tenant Bureau is so backed up it would be years to hear my case. I'm still not comfortable about it but I can't worry about something that might never happen. Such is life.
Last year while I was videotaping a band at the Caribbean Festival I suddenly felt like I was going to fall down. Not dizzy. Not faint. Just lost my balance. I stumbled back to the building behind me, with everyone around asking if I was okay, which I wasn't. I managed to get back down the street holding the buildings all the way until I came across the auxiliary police officers. The lovely Brittany and another officer got me down to the bus terminal and spoke to the driver and I got home okay. Since then I have been nearly falling in the shower and bumping into the walls of my apartment. Scary stuff.
I spent at least twenty hours in Emergency over the next few days getting everything from bloodwork to a CT Scan, which thankfully came back normal. I was told to go to my doctor, which, of course, like millions of other Canadians I don't have, so I saw a doctor at the Bayview Clinic across the road from the hospital. One of the most frightening experiences was trying to cross the road to catch the bus. I felt like I was going to fall down in the middle of the road and get run over, but I made it. The doctor at the clinic had given me an "urgent" referral to a neurologist.
Luckily my name finally came up and I was given an appointment at the Belleville & Quinte West Community Health Clinic and saw nurse practitioner, Stephanie Nickerson and Jessica Tweedy, who spent an hour with me going over all my meds, my diabetes, and this balance issue. Stephanie suggested that my considerable weight loss of thirty pounds on Ozempic might be the cause. She promised to follow up on the referral to the neurologist and she got me one to Dr. Mercier in Nappanee. Too much analysis is paralysis as they say so my research on why you see a neurologist turned up all kinds of scary things, like MS and more, but luckily Dr. Mercier said that my balance issues were because my peripheral neuropathy was getting much worse after all his testing. He explained that the signals weren't getting to my brain for my balance. He also asked if closing my eyes in the shower when I washed my hair interrupted the visual signals as well and that's why I thought I was going to fall. It all made sense and, of course, I was glad it wasn't anything worse.
The saddest part of this year has been losing friends. When I lived here in Belleville before moving to Mexico I had what I thought were good friends. Doral was one of my first here and we did a lot together. She used to take me to the dances Saturdays at the Trenton Legion. She had a trailer in a park north of town and I helped her for many hours. Before COVID her and another good friend, Kate, used to take me to the breakfast at the casino before they shut down. Kate was also an amazing dance partner and we were pretty good together. Prior to leaving for Mexico Bob Cottrell, the President of All-Together Housing, helped me a lot, especially after I moved into the group home on Forin. He let me store all of my things in storage bins in the basement at Forin when I first planned to only stay in Mexico for my six month tourist visa. After things changed and I planned to get married and stay in Mexico I had to come back to apply for my temporary residency in Toronto. Bob helped me move all my stuff to the hotel to sell, which was a total disaster. At Forin I also met a guy who would become my best buddy, Rob.
When I came back I was very lucky that Doral managed to pick me up where the bus surprisingly dropped me off out of town, and she stuck with me until I found emergency housing. Since then though other than the occasional dancing with me if we run into each other she has dropped me as a friend. She wouldn't take me the Trenton Legion anymore because, according to her, her insurance didn't cover me, which is ridiculous. She has moved to the north area of town, a long way away from me, so she never offers me a ride anywhere now. Kate has also dropped me and we haven't danced together since March, when we only had one dance. She rarely messages me as well.
After I was very lucky to get my current apartment and moved out of Forin for some unknown reason Rob didn't contact me for a year, then one day I was outside having a smoke and he came walking up. He had got an apartment around the corner from me, but he acted as though it hadn't been a year since we talked. He suggested we go for coffee which we did many times. He also agreed to be my Executor after I did a new will, introduced him to my landlady and went over all kinds of instructions on how to deal with my website business, my various accounts like my hosting, and hopefully notifying my kids that I was gone. That all fell apart last August when we had a major misunderstanding about a doctor appointment at a local clinic. He had asked if he could come with me to get the doctor fill out some paperwork for him. After waiting hours as usual, and after I spent less than a minute with the doctor he told Rob my time was up and kicked him out. Both of us were obvious furious, but Rob blamed me, told me to F off and lose this number. I wrote a letter to the doctor saying how unprofessional what he did was, and made the mistake of giving Rob a copy so he would know when the clinic hopefully called him to come back, which they did. For some unknown reason Rob somehow got the impression that I was threatening him in the letter and even called the police about it. He said he was going to return my will and all the paperwork we had agreed upon, but he never did. I pleaded with Bob Cottrell to talk to him to try to get it sorted out, but he lied to Bob and said he returned the paperwork to me. He didn't, and this has left me in a terrible mess without an Executor now.
Without any solution with Rob I appealed to Bob to help me to find an Executor and for months he kept promising to help me, but never did. I've known Bob for many, many years. I designed the original logo for All-Together Housing and built the website for free. I always considered Bob to be a good friend, but I guess I was wrong. He's clearly dropped me just like everybody else.
I also met Jassmin, a friend who went biking with me last summer. We also did the cheap Tuesday at the show. I bought the tickets and she gave me a ride. Sometimes we grabbed a burger before the show. That all ended this year. We never once went biking, although with my balance issue I didn't think I could ride without falling over. I messaged her several times about upcoming shows, but she either said she was busy or just ignored me. She had also added a post that she was dating, so that might have had a lot to do with it. I did message her asking if I had done something to upset her, but she just said she had been busy.
One of my longest term friends from back in BC, Linda, who I've always called Lenny for some reason, a friend of more than twenty-five years, would sometimes call me, usually when she was drunk. It's hours behind in BC so she would call me around midnight my time, but we'd still talk for hours. She'd catch me up on many of the friends we had when I lived there, with one story really upsetting me, although it explained why some of the friends I had didn't connect with me anymore. My dear friend, Bianca, who was a really close friend and was amazing after my father died, jumping on a plane to come to help me with my Dad's memorial, had spread a rumor that I had borrowed seventeen thousand dollars from her and never paid her back! An absurd and total lie! Yes, over my sincere objections, warning her that she could easily lose her money, she had insisted on investing two thousand dollars to buy into my website business in Panama. My local site for Boquete was starting to gain some traction and I was making inroads with some large grocery chains to advertise on my websites. Like anything on the web it could go viral and she would make a nice return, but it comes with risk. Unfortunately things fell apart on me and I was forced back to Canada so the business was gone. I apologized to Bianca, explaining what had happened with losing ten grand on the renovation I had been doing for a guy in Kelowna, who screwed me. I had no money and was forced to flee to my dear cousin's place in Toronto, who saved me. Although this was all not related to the website business, I had clearly warned Bianca that there was no guarantee, but she had insisted saying she wanted to help and that she could afford to lose her investment. I still tried hard to talk her out of it. As is said, with friends "never a lender or a borrower be". Had I been able to continue all my hard work in Panama I would have been only too thrilled to share my success with her.
Lenny was a shocked at this rumor as I was, and said she never believed it because she knew me. This ugly, untrue rumor included not to lend me any money when I asked for it, but I had never asked for a dime from anyone in the fourteen years I lived in the Okanagan. Another dear friend, Laura, who believed all this crap from Bianca, and even more lies from my idiot brother sister, got a detailed email from me explaining the facts, but she didn't care enough to respond. My best buddy of fourteen years, Wade, also stopped talking to me. Other than Lenny it appears that the only one who hasn't believed all this is my dear "wifey" Karla, who still is in touch.
Anyone who knows me and is still in touch with me, like my dear friend, Annie, in Mexico, knows how much I hate being stuck in Belleville, the last place on earth I ever thought I would live. After living in the Okanagan, Panama, Ecuador and Mexico, and despite some very rough times in those foreign countries, I still loved the adventures, the cultures, the local people, the music and on and on. I also loved living in the lakes and mountains in every one of those places, including BC. I did travel around BC a lot, and never had a car in any of those other countries, but I always had friends who took me around, or Ubers and buses that were very cheap. Belleville is beyond boring in every sense. Horrible transit system. Nothing much to look at other than the path along the bay.
I wrote a long message to Lenny asking for her help getting back to the Okanagan, but she didn't answer me. I know life would be alot different for me. My parents are gone. I don't have all the toys I had before, like my dirt bike, my snowmobile, my boats and I wouldn't be skiing or rollar blading now, but I could still hike. My idiot sister also lives in Kelowna now so I hope I'd never run into her or I'd be tempoted to strangle her for what she did.
I wish I could go back to Mexico even though it would mean giving up on ever seeing my kids or grandkids again, but it's just not possible. I would lose my one pension again and my meds cost a fortune. My sweet friend, Annie, even offered to marry me so I stay and not have to go through the residency process again, but she would lose the pension from her late husband, so that doesn't work unless I could find a way to support both of us. Her family is delightful and it would be wonderful to have a family again after what my kids have done to me. Every time I've gone anywhere I've always worried about never seeing my kids again, but they've had years and years to reconnect with me and tell me why they abandoned me, but they never have. Annie and I have spent hours and hours chatting about what happens if we get married and I am then have permanent residency. The issue is my medications. She was kind enough to go through my list of medications and check the prices with a pharmacy, but they totaled almost thirteen hundred dollars Canadian! There is a question as to whether I might be covered under their public healthcare program, called IMSS. My research shows it should be unless my diabetes is a preexisting condition and I would be disqualified. There is also a question about Annie's coverage because she says she loses it if we get married, but the is still a Mexican citizen so that makes no sense.
Although it's been four years since I got dumped by text message with no reason given by my fiancée, and it nearly killed me when I felt so worthless and just wanted to swim out in the lake far enough not to make it back, I did survive and didn't give up on finding love again. I just went through what I hoped was love again, but I was so very wrong. I've been accused of falling in love too quickly and I did it again. It's coming up on five years since I came back from Mexico and in all that time I haven't been so much as kissed. I've never been this lonely in my entire life. I really miss having someone special in my life. Being stuck in Belleville, the last place on earth that I ever thought I would live, just makes me feel like I waiting to die.
As a matter of record, and as I've said many times, I miss the adventures of living in other countries, although they were certainly challenging at times. When returning to Mexico didn't look like it would happen I started researching other countries again and found Costa Rica, a country I had visited several times when I lived in Panama and had to leave every three months to renew my tourist visa. I found a great place called Atenas and watched a wonderful video tour of the city centre. The climate looked perfect and, most importantly, their residency income requirement was only a thousand dollars, which I would qualify for even after I lost the GIS pension. I checked the flights which were reasonable and contacted a few Realtors in the area about apartment rentals, but there was nothing even close to my budget of about five hundred a month. There were not many one bedroom apartments but they started at eight hundred USD a month! Some were also plus plus. Not a chance.
At this point in my life I have no clue what I am going to do. Winning the big lottery would be nice, but that's not likely. I know that I am very lucky to have a reasonably affordable apartment, but life is still a struggle when my pensions are below the current poverty level. For months now I have been complaining to very political leader that it's our own money, so please give us enough to live with some dignity. No Vision Care. No Dental Care. Inadequate Health Care. Add no affordable housing anywhere. We are the ones who built tis country and have paid every imaginable tax all our lives. It's disgraceful! Federal politicians get big fat pensions after only four years of service so they have no clue what it's like to struggle.
