Diary of a Diabetic
Somewhat fatalistic, I know, but I thought I had best know the warning signs before I slip off into the diabetic coma. It's been four weeks now without my meds, for the first time since being diagnosed way back in 2004. I was better off not knowing. With the sole exception of cognitive problems, which, as far as I know, I don't have, I have every other symptom. Yikes!
The Fat Lady is singing her head off
As Sinatra sang it, "and now the end is near and I must face the final curtain". For what seems like far too long now I have been fighting an uphill battle to just work hard and survive, but I just can't catch a break. If it weren't for my friend and colleague, Sieg Pedde, I would have been done in long ago. He brought my overdue car payments up to date, saving me from losing my car, which would have meant also losing my job, and he bailed me out last week when I had absolutely no money to live on.
On this Valentine's Day
This is the day to celebrate the love of your life. Your friend. Your lover. Your soul mate. Your best friend. True love is the hardest thing to find, but it is the greatest gift of all. To know that there is someone who cares for you makes life worth living. You wake up thinking of them. You are excited at the thought of them texting or calling or seeing them. You feel that warm incredible feeling when you think about them, your heart bursting with joy.
On Love
This is the day to celebrate the love of your life. Your friend. Your lover. Your soul mate. Your best friend. True love is the hardest thing to find, but it is the greatest gift of all. To know that there is someone who cares for you makes life worth living. You wake up thinking of them. You are excited at the thought of them texting or calling and you think about them every minute of the day. You feel that warm incredible feeling when you think about them, your heart bursting with joy. To have someone to share your life, the good and the bad, knowing that they will always be there for you, fills your soul with pride and you can face any challenge, no matter how great. Your life may not be perfect, but simply knowing that someone holds your heart in their hand and loves you deeply and passionately makes everything okay. Any self doubts you have as a person - are you good looking enough? are you a good person? are you worthy? These are all answered just by knowing that this one person believes in you and cares deeply for you. They listen when you are troubled. They instinctively know when you need a hug. They know the right things to say to you because their thoughts come from a genuine and loving place. They make your world a better place and you cannot imagine living your life without them. They share your dreams for the future, knowing that they will be right there beside you to pick you up if you fall.
Give it all you've got; but, if it ends, however it ends, accept that it will be tragic. Your heart will be broken in a million pieces. You will lose the will to go on. Your soul will be empty and nothing in your life will matter. You cannot fill the huge void they have left. You will question every single thing about you. You will beat yourself up, asking what you did wrong? You will cry a lot. You will get angry if you feel you didn't deserve this. You will experience incredible emotion. One minute you will mourn the loss of the person who meant more to you than anything, and you will find yourself sobbing uncontrollably. The next you will be filled with anger, questioning everything you did for that person out of love, wondering if they were just using you, and why? Then , if it's true love, you will realize just how deeply you love them and how much you miss them. You want to be friends, but how could a friend hurt you this bad? You struggle with knowing they don't love you as you believed, yet you want and need them in your life. This is so much worse if they have betrayed you with someone else. That is a dagger in your back and a pain that cannot be described in words. The trust is gone. The respect is gone. Everything you held dear has been shattered. You struggle to go on or to ever trust someone with your heart again.
If you are lucky enough to be in love with someone, don't hold anything back. Show them you care in every way possible. Love means being able to be yourself. Say what's on your mind without fear of saying the wrong thing. Be honest, always. Show each other the real you, with all your faults. If you have a true and undying love, there will always be forgiveness. Hold each other tight. Be affectionate. Be passionate. Don't be afraid to cry. Respect each other beyond everything and everyone else. Never speak harshly to each other, because you can't take the words back. Though you risk getting hurt, there is nothing to be gained by putting up any walls to protect yourself. Love totally and unconditionally. Give yourself completely. Your heart is sometimes smarter than your brain. Love is an emotion deep in your soul. Trust it, no matter what. "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is so very true. No conquest. No accomplishment. No happy moment is anything without having someone special to share it with.
It's said that, of the more than six billion people on the planet, there are only two perfect loves for each of us. The odds are against you, so, if you are lucky enough, as I was, to find that incredible person, your perfect match; the person you can't live without, embrace them and give it everything you've got. You will discover the greatest love of all and you will understand what love is really all about. It is wondrous. It is beyond spectacular. It touches your very soul in ways you could not imagine until you find your true love.
Rejoice in every single moment you are together, even if it's just the silent moments, when there is no pressure to say anything because you are that comfortable together. Laugh often. Have fun. Do everything together. Make love with all the passion you have in your heart. Let the one you love know that you would give your life for them.
Although today I am a broken man because I have lost the love of my life, I take some comfort in knowing that I at least found one of those two people in the world, albeit for too brief a time. I know how deep my love for her is, because I can't stop loving her even though I know I should. This Valentine's Day was going to be roses and poetry and showing her how amazing she is and how I could not love her more. That is not to be now and I am devastated, but I will always be thankful for the great times we shared. She made me whole again. She made me feel special. She made me feel loved. There are no greater gifts anyone could give. I thank God for bringing her into my life and if He decides to take me I will go in peace, knowing that I have had the greatest love of all.
Poem - Denise - On Valentine's Day
On Valentine’s Day, 2010
My vision for this Valentine’s Day cannot come true
The cabin in the woods, the roses, just me and you
There was wine and strawberries with cream
The kind of things of which you can only dream.
To kiss and to cuddle and make love all night
To show you my love in ways to delight.
My heart is bursting with feelings for you
You are my “once in a lifetime love”, it’s true.
I see you. My heart skips a beat.
No other woman could ever compete.
I’ve given you my heart on a silver platter
Nothing else is important in my life, no matter.
I can’t pick what I love the most about you
Because ever single thing about you is so true
Gorgeous. Smart. Sexy and fun.
Your radiance is like the proverbial sun.
You truly are the wind beneath my wings
With you my whole body literally sings.
I can’t wait to see you or talk to you every day
You make every minute so special in every way.
Thoughts of you consume all of my days
I love you so much, in so many ways.
Your beauty excites me beyond belief
You have stolen my heart, you wonderful thief.
I lay down at night, thinking of you
I wake the next day and the same is true
That you came into my life to love
Is the most wonderful gift from above.
That you met me and loved me for a little while
That thoughts of you and me make you smile.
“ILYB”, “ILYMB” and so much more
Texting and talking were what I adore.
Making love to you was what heaven’s about
That I could please you, my name to shout
“Wait! Wait” were words of music to my ears
Was I good enough? You calmed all my fears.
No woman has ever meant more to me
You are my reason for living, can’t you see?
For without you I am a broken man
To live all alone, don’t think that I can.
For you are what I’ve have longed for all my life
To hold you in my arms, and make you my wife.
Just to know that our days and nights could be together
There’s no amount of problems I could not weather
Without you loving me I don’t know what to do.
Am I just to be your friend? Please give me a clue
Is there any reason for me to cling to the hope
Or does that just make me even more of a dope?
So sorry that the words in my blogs hurt you
Honesty is the best policy? Not always true
I just wanted to be the man in your life
And to believe someday you’d be my wife.
Great memories are many, I hope you agree
I want to believe it’s not over for me.
Your mind seems made up. Is there no chance
That you and I can still find romance?
You’ve found another. You think he’s the one
If that’s true, then, yes I agree, I am done.
I know I have hurt you and deserve to lose
But I still believe I’m the right one to choose.
If you find true love with him it’s meant to be
Even though it means the greatest loss for me.
Into everyone’s life a great love must come
To show it’s possible, that’s what you’ve become.
If you find true love I will become a distant memory
But deep in my heart, I hope, if you ever think of me
I hope you remember all the good times we had
And that for a fleeting moment you’re glad.
No one will ever love you like I do.
No one will ever completely understand you.
No one will ever bring such laughter your way
No one will work harder to make your day
No one will ever help you all that he can
No one will want more to be your man.
No matter what, you will always be my “forever love”.
HSBC, The Heartless Bank
Admittedly I write this very angry and upset. Just when you think nothing else can come along to beat you down, along comes HSBC, The Heartless Bank. After months of searching for any kind of work, without success, I finally managed to
get a job at just above minimum wage, just in time for Christmas. Great, I thought! At least I might be able to get a couple of small things to try to celebrate the season.
Denise - when I'm together with her
When I'm together with her, all the while
All I can think about is her dazzling smile.
She makes me want to shout out loud
With her at my side I am so proud.
Her twinkling eyes and cute little bod
Men around her all give her the nod
How I got so lucky, God only knows
The love for me that she shows.
Together forever we long to be
But for now we'll just have to see
What the future may bring.
Will she end up wearing my ring?
Her life is complicated and full of strife
I just want for her to have a happy life
There are so many joys we bring to each other
It is not possible that we could want for another.
But time will tell if it is meant to be
She has tough choices to be set free
To be able to love me as I think she might
Tell me suffering alone is not our plight.
Our paths crossed out of sheer dumb luck
Not ending up together would surely suck.
Without her my heart is an empty shell
Not having her in my life is a living hell.
It's not even a day apart and I long for her
To put my arms around her I'd much prefer.
She's not alone in missing me
Sarah needs me as much as she.
Lines of prose should never be sad
Instead they should show I'm glad
But missing her brings on a heavy heart
The days and nights when we're apart
At first sight
At first site of her your heart skips a beat
You just know that you have to meet
Long beautiful hair, angel eyes, a killer smile
Over broken glass to her you’d walk a mile
You sum up the courage to say hello
Terrified that she’s going to say no
But she says hello and gives you her name
You respond with some flirting. No shame
The first compliment is about her dancing
Trying hard not to show you want romancing
She says that she would love to dance with you
Your heart races at the thought of what to do
Will your dancing impress her enough?
Will she think that you have the right stuff?
Will there be more to this than just dance?
Will she want more? Is there a chance?
After a time you can’t stop thinking of her
Dreams of her loving you is what you prefer
Don’t go too fast! Don’t scare her away!
Take it slow and there might come a day
When things change and she wants more
Being your girlfriend is what you’d adore
You find love when you aren’t looking for it
Could she be the one whose love won’t quit?
Sure you’ve been hurt really badly before
But is this an excuse for not wanting more?
True love means being bringing down your walls
Don’t ignore the signs or be blind to the calls
Take a chance. You have nothing to lose.
This girl could be the one you should choose.
Keep your guard up and it will be your loss
Tell her. Be honest. Get your message across.
Life is short. No time to waste staying alone
It could be great, don’t fear the unknown
Just go for it. You know that you should
Be honest and clear. Don’t be misunderstood
Today forced isolation is our biggest threat
We can’t be together, can’t date, and yet
Having that special someone to share your life
Your lover. Your girlfriend. Maybe even your wife?
What life is all about, sharing good times and bad
Going it alone with no one will just make you sad
Having someone to love won’t solve everything
But into your life pure joy it will bring.
Poem - Emily - Jewl
Into every child’s life must come a first pet
To care for, love and cherish and yet
There comes a day you know they’ll regret
A day that will make you so very upset.
For no matter how much you love them to death
They don’t live forever. They will take their last breath.
To a child this loss is a whole new feeling
That makes them cry and sends them reeling.
It’s so hard to make them understand it’s okay
To grieve their loss in their own special way.
To them it’s a pain they have never had
It makes them confused and so very sad.
We all go through it and we remember the pain
Our first thought is we’ll never have pets again.
But time heals all wounds and we soon recover
We learn that to go on we’ll soon have another.
Millions of pets go unwanted every day
Unloved and put down in such a cruel way
But you gave life to one so special to you
She knows that it was the right thing to do.
She wants you to remember all the good times you had
And not to dwell on her passing and be so sad.
Think of all the fun and joy she gave to you.
Smile when you remember her and don’t be blue.
To keep her alive in pain would be cruel
Think only good thoughts of your friend, Jewl.
In the days ahead you’ll miss her so bad
But remember she doesn’t want to make you sad.
She’s in a better place, free from pain
And she’ll want you to love another again.
More little joys like her will come your way
To fill your heart with joy. You’ll be okay.
Jewl will never forget her good friend, Emily
Who loved her and cared for her as much as could be
No better could she have been loved by anyone
Have only good thoughts, like the heart she won.
Poem - Maybe a new beginning?
Never in my life have I been this sad
So many things are making me mad
These lines I write to get it all out
Venting my pain is what it’s about.
How did I get to this place in my life?
So grief stricken and filled with strife.
My fair share of mistakes I’ve certainly made
Too many wrong choices, and for those I have paid.
As I contemplate the final chapter of it all.
I begin to reflect on just how far the fall.
There were times when I thought to give in
Would signal what would be a cardinal sin.
I searched for some sign of a change coming
But no matter how I prayed there was nothing.
Each twist and turn brought only new pain
Why hang on when there was nothing to gain?
Just when I thought it was all for naught
Came the glimmer of hope I had sought
My cousin offered me a roof over my head
I thought for a moment I might not be dead.
A door had closed but another had opened wide
I might get my life back if I swallowed my pride
It gave me a chance to get out from the stress
Of having a life that had become such a mess.
In the midst of my sorrow Denise came to me
She so brightened my days and I began to see
That with this amazing woman here by my side
My life could be better, filled with such pride.
Her beautiful smile and twinkling eyes
That she loved me came as such a surprise
But along with the joy came also new doubt
Could we be together was what’s it’s about.
Mere words in a poem cannot be enough
To capture how, without her, it’s so rough
She gave me some hope, but only so brief
Thoughts of without her just brings me more grief.
Impossible it seems that we’ll ever see the day
When we can be together in that special way.
Her life, it’s complex, simply no room for me
More and more it looks like it’s not meant to be.
My life has no purpose if I can’t share her life.
She’s the first one for me that I’d want as a wife.
But it doesn’t look like there’s a place for me
To share hopes and dreams of what it could be.
Her smile warms my heart and fills me with joy
The way that she blushes and tries to be coy.
God, why bring me this vision? Is it a sign?
You know she can’t ever really be mine.
My father died in my arms that cursed day
My life changed forever in the worst way.
It was the start of a long painful fall
Now today, my back against the wall.
I have nothing to offer and can’t make it right
To lose the love of my life, a painful plight
Had she only come at a much brighter time
Our life together could have been sublime.
The dark shadows surround me and the sorrow grows
How I’ll ever get through this, God only knows
My dreams of happiness have all come too late
All alone and forever lonely. Is this my fate?
It’s said no love is worse than a love lost
But when you lose, the pain is the cost.
It tears at your soul that you can’t do a thing
To see the day when she wears your ring.
Life happens while you’re making other plans, it’s said
Sad that good fortune doesn’t come before you’re dead
If it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all
Desperate hope is pointless. Time to heed the call?
Let her go now before you hurt her even more
Just make sure that she knows it’s her you adore
That you will love her ‘til your dying day
That she is more special to you in every way.
The tears flow too easily as I write this prose
Sadness overwhelms me and I know it shows
Giving up is not something I’d ever prefer
But the odds, they are against me and her.
Choices she makes will change how it goes
Such a special lady, something everyone knows.
We’ve shared laughter and love, my sweet “Babygirl”
Know that deep down you set my soul in a whirl.
Neither of us knows what the future may hold
Without me in your life your love may grow cold.
If fate steps in to change your life plan
Know that I always want to be your man.
Today it appears to be impossible dreams
Living and loving, out of our reach it seems.
Your struggles to be free must come first
For me to be a factor would be the worst.
Only you know where your life it will go
But no matter what, there’s one thing to know
You brought such joy to a life so bleak
Eternity with you is what I seek.
Moments of weakness I wish you didn’t see
Strength and support is what you need from me.
You are strong willed, we know that is true
A pillar of strength is the right man for you.
Had we met at a different place and time
I have no doubt that you would be mine.
A love like ours is so hard to find
Always in my heart and in my mind.
The pain and the sorrow are too much to bear
For you I am longing, such much do I care
You are my once in a lifetime girl, I know
Overwhelming feelings of love do I show.
But the guilt of knowing I’m not right for you
At least not now, when you’ve so much to do
Sorrow and sadness, you’ve had your share
To just bring you more I do not dare.
What’s right here or wrong I have no clue
I only know my soul simply longs for you
To kiss you and hold you in my arms
To love you and share your many charms.
Those glorious moments we spent with each other
Tears well up when I sense they’ll not be another
My life is in ruins, little hope it will turn around
For too few moments of happiness now to be found.
You have been such a huge part of these recent days
You’ll never know how you thrilled in so many ways.
Although apart we did the best that we could
To keep the fires burning we just knew we should.
But texting and talking are just not enough
For people like us it’s simply too tough.
Our love is a start but we need the chance
To be together, have time for romance.
To laugh and cuddle and kiss and make love
Truly a great gift from the heavens above.
Your smile makes me crazy, of that be clear
My job is to bring only more smiles, my dear.
But when your soul is filled with such pain
Being “up” all the time you cannot sustain.
The reality of life rears its ugly head
And tears only flow like rain instead.
You need someone in your life as special as you
Settling for me is not the right thing to do.
I know you’ll be angry with me for this
But know there is no one more I will miss.
I believe in my heart that the love you have shown
Is more than one man could ever have known
Emotions ebb and flow like the tide
Sadness and sorrow I cannot hide.
Tears of joy turn to those of pain
A love like yours I’ll not find again
A different place and time we might have been
Like star-cross lovers, the best we’ve seen.
Wishing and hoping that dreams will come true
Is never enough, and not the right thing to do.
To get what you want needs decisions you take
If a life together is what you will make.
If those choices you make are not right for you
Then accept the alternative is what you must do
“Love is blind” only means you can’t see
That taking great risks will not set you free.
It has to be possible and not just a whim
Or that bright future will only grow dim.
In your life I’m not what you need right now
When being together we have no clue how.
Please don’t forget me in all your days ahead
Always remember, in my dreams, we were wed.
Wherever life’s journey in the future takes you
I hope you find another who loves you like I do.
Love you, forever and always.
Gary