Saddest day of my life
Interior Health finally called Friday and they had a bed for Mum. I had to get her in right away or lose the spot. After the fiasco with Hawthorne, where she attempted to get out of the car while we were driving there, I didn't think I could go through that experience again. I thought about having my sister take her in Sunday, but I knew she couldn't handle it. If she freaked when Mum reacted the way I knew she would, then we would lose our spot and go to the bottom of the list, and it would be another eight months.
There's just no way I could tell Mum the truth, so I had no choice but to lie to her. She has been experiencing a lot of pain lately with the sciatic nerve problem, so I thought I might pull off saying that I was taking her in to the doctors. I wanted the care facility to understand what I was doing, so I went there first to talk to the staff. I set it up that I would bring Mum in at 11:30; they would meet me and take Mum, and then I would leave under some lame excuse. I would come back later with her stuff.
She bought the doctor story, so I managed to get there at least. When we buzzed the intercom at the front door, someone came on and gave me the keypad combo to get into the safe area. I headed for the desk where I had met the lady earlier. No one around. Not a sole. I could see Mum was getting suspicious about where she was, so I went to sit her in a chair out of the way while I panicked looking for staff. An older gentlemen came up and asked, "how do I get out of here. I have to get out!" That really calmed Mum - not! Then Mum had to go the bathroom, so we started wandering around where I didn't want to go. A housekeeping person asked what I was looking for and when I told her a washroom, said, "oh, her room is ready. She can go in there." Shit! "Her room"? What room? I figured that would set her off, but she missed it. Thank God. I knew I only had a few minutes to find someone, so I asked one of the cleaning staff to find someone, and now!
The lady I spoke with earlier finally showed up and said she was sorry, she had been tied up upstairs. I told Mum I had to go back to the car for something, and left.
I was only home a few minutes when the phone rang. The caller ID showed that it was Windsor Manor, so I assumed they needed me for something urgent. To my horror, when I answered the phone, it was Mum, demanding to know where she was, what she was doing in this place, and to come and get her now! I asked to speak to the lady we met earlier, and Mum had no clue who this was. Luckily the lady was looking for her, so she took the phone. She was surprised that Mum had found a phone and remembered her number to call. I told her this was tough enough without Mum calling me. A few minutes later and yet another call from Mum, this one demanding I come and get her right now! I let it go to the answering machine.
I put her stuff together and went back on my third trip to the care centre. I called the girl who failed to meet me the first time, and told her I was not coming into the building because Mum might see me, so she agreed to meet me in the parking lot, which she did. She said they had found someone to sit with Mum and that she was doing better. When I asked about the phone, she said Mum had found one in the kitchen and the staff there didn't know she wasn't to use it.
Very stressful day - one of the worst. Knowing that Mum needs this care now, and that I have to get a job to survive and the house will be sold soon, and Mum had to go somewhere, doesn't relieve the major guilt I'm feeling. Knowing that Mum will not be coming back here, after calling it home for thirty years, is truly sad. And I know "beggars can't be choosers", but the place they have her in is for people much worse than Mum. I was hoping she would actually find friends and do some activities, and learn to enjoy it, but they have her in with people who don't know their own names. They wander around aimlessly, and have no contact with each other. It is very sad to experience. I know Mum will get like that sooner than any of us want, but I wish they had found a more suitable place.
At least she is in the system now, and hopefully I can start a new harassment program to get her into somewhere more social, and more in line with her Alzheimer's stage, which is now Stage Seven. If the house closes, then I can at least consider some private care options, but these are outrageously expensive. $150 a day seems to be the norm. With Mum cared for full-time now, hopefully I can research some other places and get her moved when the house closes.
The staff at the care facility had told me not to have any contact with Mum or she would just insist on coming home. They didn't want me talking to her on the phone or visiting her. Over the next few days she left thirteen messages, crying and saying she was sorry and could I please come and get her to go home. It just broke my heart listening to those messages, but I knew she was where she had to be now to be cared for by professionals.
Not a happy day by any stretch.
Just another day
My buddy Wade flew in yesterday and is staying with us for a few days. He was just here at Christmas and stayed with us then too. He asked about Mum, as he always does, and was happy that she at least remembered him when he was here at Christmas. I told him things were worse, and not to count on it this time.
He got back late and crashed on the couch in the living room. Mum was up early, and she came into my room and asked me if that was Kevin (my brother) sleeping on the couch - my brother who has been in Indonesia for months, and who she just talked to on the phone the day before. I told her it was Wade, and she said she didn't know a "Wade", so there you go.
It is an amazing disease though. You just never know what will stick and what won't. I heard her talking to Wade, saying it was her birthday March 24th, and that she would be 84. She hasn't once remembered how old she is for months, then, out of the blue, she suddenly remembers. Small glimmers of hope in an otherwise dark picture.
And how was your day?
No matter what, you have to see the humor in every day.
Although there is absolutely no humor in this part, and this one gets me angry, last night, Tuesday is movie night, and we go to Wendy's before the show. I heard her in the kitchen around five, opening the fridge and so on, then I hear those wonderful words, "come on Gary, get out here and cook dinner.", shouted ever so sweetly at the top of her lungs. To resist my kill instinct I stayed put, but a few minutes later I heard her playing with the microwave. When I went out to ask her what the hell she was doing, she said she was just getting us some dinner, as though she does that every day. I reminded her she hasn't cooked in three years, and we were going to Wendy's for dinner anyway.
When we went out, and she saw the Real Estate sign, you know, the one that's been here for a week now, she said, "oh, I have a new sign!". When we went out the park entrance, where the Real Estate has a sign for our place for "lakefront property", she said, "oh, our park has a new sign. I've never noticed that before." When we came back she said, "oh, we have a new sign on our house. Are we selling the place?"
Tonight, Wednesday, is Bingo night, as it is every Wednesday. And we go through the same turmoil each and every week, about money, dabbers, purse and so on. Every single week she wants to call her friend to tell her she's not feeling well and won't be going, then her friend calls her back to remind her about Bingo and she goes. Today she asked for the phone to call her, cause she wasn't feeling well, and I said, jokingly, that she calls her every week to tell her that. That set her off, yelling at me that she goes every single week and has never ever called to cancel. Fine. This week, her friend didn't call back for some reason, so Mum asked me for Nancy's number. I said it was on the table by the phone. When I heard the cursing I went out to see what was wrong, and she was mad because she couldn't dial the phone. The reason was because she was trying to call her on the TV remote control. I told her it would work better if she used the phone, which she did. She said her friend sounded disappointed, so she would go.
So then we get to go through the whole turmoil of money, dabbers, coat, purse and so on. It only took about five trips down to her bedroom to get everything. When I asked her to get her coat on, she said she wasn't going to bother to wear it because she had her sweater on. It's about minus ten degrees out, so that was a very bad plan.
Just another day in paradise!
What a sad system!
It's now been three weeks since Mum's status was upgraded to "emergency" first available bed. Some emergency, eh? I even have our provincial MLA's office calling them every day to find out if a spot has become available. When I first contacted them it was to see if there was any way for me to get any assistance to help us survive. They ran into the same roadblock - that I "chose not to work". Talk about out of touch with reality/. Like I have a choice? Failing that they said they had some "special contacts" who could get around the system, and get her treated as a priority. Yeah, right. Three weeks later and nothing.
Mum has her good days and bad days. She's still not eating hardly anything and wasting away. I asked my sister to follow the advice everyone has given us about taking Mum into the hospital, then refusing to take her back when they want to release her. It's a sad way to do things, but everyone who has had anything to do with an Alzheimer's patient says this is how it works, or doesn't. My sister has been in denial ever since Mum was diagnosed, and nothing has changed. One of my Dad's biggest disappointments was that Wendy would not take the few minutes to watch the video Dad got from his care givers group - a video that explained the regression of the disease and how it affects caregivers. She refused, and it hurt him. Since Dad passed away, all Wendy sees is that she comes down on the weekend for a day, and takes Mum out to breakfast and the casino and bingo - party time, and Mum is okay. She doesn't get to see the "joy" of the rest of the week, when Mum is lost and crying all the time and shaking and upset and terrified. No, she doesn't have to see the reality.
A good friend went through this with her Grandma, and she warned me against leaving it too long, like they did with her. She bounced around the various aunts until no one could take it anymore, then they put her in a care facility. Every time someone visited her she cried and apologized for whatever she had done wrong to be "punished" like this. She had gone too far to be able to understand that this was best for her, and she wasn't being punished for anything. Celia said it's hard, but don't leave it until Mum is like this. Get her into a facility while she's still able to comprehend what it's all about and can enjoy it for a while at least. It would be nice if my family had enough understanding of the disease to be supportive instead of just constantly criticizing. Those of you who look after an Alzheimer's patient know all too well how tough it is without getting additional crap from your own family.
It's sad to watch someone you know and love, who was so full of life, waste away in front of your very eyes. The worst part with Mum is that, although she is 83 years old, her overall health isn't that bad for someone that old. She beat cancer in 1991 and she's stayed pretty active and healthy. Now, the confusion and upset of losing her mind is affecting her health by her refusing to eat. This will only get worse as she loses her grasp on reality more and more. It was heartbreaking to listen to her answer questions on her last assessment by Interior Health. She doesn't know how old she is; she said it was fall; she said her health is excellent - she's "eating like a horse", and her memory is "excellent". The saddest part of Alzheimer's is that they even forget they have Alzheimer's.
A new low
Those of you familiar with the regression of Alzheimer's know there are various stages of the disease - each worse than the previous stage. My mother has been a stage two for years, but has recently gotten worse. Because of our worsening financial situation I had no choice but to take on a job for a friend, removing sod and planting cedar trees for her - a brutal job and one I had to be away from Mum for, obviously. It wasn't far away, and I only worked for a few hours at a time, coming home to feed her and check on her. On Saturday, my sister was coming down from Revelstoke, and I had written a note on mum's "memory board" reminding her what time Wendy would be here. I reminded her I was on my cell if she needed me and left notes with my number.
When I came home around five, a neighbor came running up to tell me that they had found her wandering around the park, scared, and that she was at a neighbor's house. The front door was wide open and she only had a sweater on when they brought her home. I asked her why she had left, and she said she was scared. When I asked of what, she said she didn't know. When I asked why she hadn't called me, she said she forgot. When I asked about the note that Wendy would be here any minute, she asked, "what note?" She had wiped her board clean and put it away under the coffee table. She denied there was any note.
I was thoroughly exhausted after this brutal work and needed to lie down. I told her Wendy would be here soon and that I had to sleep. She came down to my room every five minutes and knocked on my door, crying and asking me to come and sit with her because she was scared. Needless to say, I got no sleep.
She has become terrified whenever I have to go out, even for a few minutes. She starts crying and begging me not to go. She wants to know where I'm going; when I'll be back, and why I have to go. It's suffocating and a repeat of exactly how she was with my Dad. He couldn't as much as go to the bathroom without her wanting to come with him. I knew that was tough on him, but now I know just how tough.
Interior Health has now escalated her need to an "emergency" first available bed status, whatever that means, compared to the eight months her previous "first available bed" status got us. With her deteriorating health, not eating and the pills not working, and having no strength or energy, she'll get more and more critical as the days go by. With her elevated blood pressure these new developments will no doubt increase her danger level. She refuses to quit drinking, although the good part is that she had five drinks in the fridge recently, forgetting she had made them.
One tiny bright spot is that we did go to the show on Tuesday. It's the one thing she seems to remember and look forward to. She asks me every day if it's Tuesday so we can go to the show, so she's right one day out of seven. Although we had already seen it, my friend wanted to see Walk the Line. I suspected that Mum would not remember seeing it, and I loved it enough to see it again. After the movie, when she said how much she enjoyed it, I joked "more than the first time you saw it?". She couldn't believe she had already seen it because she didn't remember a thing.
Sidebar humor: when we left the house she asked if she should bring her purse, to which I said "no", she didn't need it, so naturally she brought it. When we got to the restaurant to meet Crystal, she asked if she should bring her purse in, and I said "no", she didn't need it. While we were eating, she started looking around where she was sitting, and, when asked, said she was looking for her purse. Crystal told her it was in the car. When we left the restaurant, she said she thought she left her purse in the restaurant. When we got to the show she asked if she should bring her purse, and I told her to leave it in the car. When we were in the theatre, she was looking around for her purse, and Crystal told her it was in the car. When we left the theatre, she worried that she had left her purse in the show. Damn purse.
She was going to Bingo Wednesday night, so I asked her to get her dabbers and her pouch to be ready. When she got to her room and I heard her opening drawers and swearing, I reminded her she was looking for her dabbers and her pouch. She asked why? I said she was going to Bingo. She asked if I was coming with her, and I said "no". She was in the living room and I asked her where her dabbers were, and she asked why she needed them. I told her she was going to Bingo, and she asked if it was tonight. I told her to get her dabbers. She was banging around her room, crying and swearing and muttered as she went down the hall that she wasn't feeling well and wasn't going to Bingo because she couldn't find anything. I went into her room and the six dabbers she has were sitting on her dresser. I gave her forty dollars and showed her that I put it in her hip pouch. That was around four, and she only asked me seven more times to give her money for Bingo, in between asking if we were going to the show and why were her dabbers on the table, and if we were going out tonight.
When I went to take her to Nancy's she asked if I would give her some money, and why I wasn't locking the door behind us when we were going to Bingo.
You gotta have patience and a sense of humor to keep going.
Christmas 2005
Who is this reindeer named Rudolf?
...who guides Santa's sleigh with the biological aberration of a red, glowing nose capable of penetrating thick fog?
The whole story of Rudolf appeared, out of nowhere, in 1939. Santas at Montgomery Ward stores gave away 2.4 million copies of a booklet entitled "Rudolf the Red-Nose Reindeer." The story was written by a person in the advertising department named Robert May, and the booklet was illustrated by Denver Gillen. The original name of the reindeer was not Rudolf, according to the book "Extraordinary Origins of Everyday Things," by Charles Panati. The original name was Rollo, but executives did not like that name, nor Reginald. The name Rudolf came from the author's young daughter! In 1949, Gene Autry sang a musical version of the poem and it was a run-away best-seller. The Rudolf song is second only to "White Christmas" in popularity
An Axe to Grind
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."
But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.
"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.
"I got it at a tree lot."
"Then why did you bring an axe?"
"Because I didn't want to pay."
I have a list of folks I know, all written in a book
And every year when Christmas comes, I go and take a look,
And that is when I realize that these names are a part
Not of the book they are written in, but really of my heart.
For each name stands for someone who has crossed my path sometime,
And in the meeting they've become the rhythm in each rhyme.
And while it sounds fantastic for me to make this claim,
I really feel that I'm composed of each remembered name.
And while you may not be aware of any special link
Just meeting you has changed my life a lot more than you think.
For once I've met somebody, the years cannot erase
The memory of a pleasant word or of a friendly face.
So never think my Christmas cards are just a mere routine
Of names upon a Christmas list, forgotten in between,
For when I send a Christmas card that is addressed to you,
It is because you're on the list that I'm indebted to.
For I am but a total of the many folks I've met,
And you happen to be one of those I prefer not to forget.
And whether I have known you for many years or few,
In some ways you have a part in shaping things I do.
And every year when Christmas comes, I realize anew,
The best gifts life can offer is meeting folks like you.
And may the spirit of Christmas that forever endures
Leave its richest blessings in the hearts of you and yours.
- What American state was the first to make Christmas an official holiday?
a. Connecticut
b. Alabama
c. Alaska
d. North Carolina
(1.) b
- What is the shape of the candy cane modeled after?
a. A fish hook
b. A consillation of stars
c. The cane St. Nicholas used
d. A shepards crook
(2.) d
- What was the name of the dog that belonged to the Grinch in Dr. Seuss' book "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"?
a. Rudolph
b. Toto
c. Max
d. Cerberus
(3.) c
4. Which star led the Three Kings to Jesus?
a. Star of David
b. North Star
c. Star of Bethlehem
d. Angel Star
(4.) c
- What was the name of Scrooges' dead business partner in "A Christmas Carol"?
a. Jacob Marley
b. Bob Cratchit
c. Tiny Tim
d. Bill Sykes
(5.) a
6. Where did the real St. Nicholas live?
a. In Holland
b. At the North Pole
c. In Turkey
d. In Germany
(6.) c
- What brought Frosty the Snowman to life?
a. Pixie Dust
b. An old silk hat
c. A kiss
d. A fresh snowfall
(7.) b
- When you go Wassailing, what is it that you are doing?
a. Giving out gifts to your friends & neighbors
b. Going out in the woods to cut down your Christmas tree
c. Challenging as many of your neighbors as you can to a snowball fight
d. Going to visit neighbors and receiving goodies!
(8.) d
- In the movie "It's A Wonderful Life" how do you know that an angel has received his wings?
a. A light flashes
b. It starts raining
c. A trumpet sounds
d. A bell rings
(9.) d
- Who was the author of "A Christmas Carol"?
a. Hans Christian Anderson
b. Charles Dickens
c. Thomas M. Sawyer
d. Mark Twain
(10.) b
11. What was pictured on the first stamp printed for the Christmas season?
a. Santa Claus
b. An Angel
c. A Star
d. A Rose
(11.) d
12. The poem commonly known as "The Night Before Christmas" was originally titled:
a. The Night Before Christmas
b. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
c. A Visit From Saint Nicholas
d. The Night Visitor
(12). c
- Electric Christmas tree lights were first used in what year?
a. 1925
b. 1700
c. 1895
d. 1750
(13.) c
14. At Christmas, it is customary to exchange kisses beneath a sprig of which plant?
a. Holly
b. Mistletoe
c. Ivy
d. Pine
(14.) b
- Which of these events did NOT occur on Christmas Day?
a. Hong Kong fell to the Japanese in WWII.
b. Ebenezer Scrooge was visited by four ghosts.
c. King Arthur pulled Excalibur from the stone.
d. Charlemagne was crowned Holy Roman Emperor.
(15.) b
Christmas 2005
The Beatles sang “So This is Christmas”. Oh, so very fitting for Christmas 2005 – the worst Christmas in my life.
It was going to be hard enough with being the first one without my Dad, on top of missing my kids as always, as I have for over ten years now. I miss them terribly every single day of the year, but Christmas always stirs up those very fond memories of great Christmas days gone passed.
I guess I am a traditionalist in that I believe in all the trappings of Christmas – Christmas Eve with family and friends; opening that one special gift on Christmas Eve; the excitement of Christmas morning opening all the gifts, having a special breakfast (which I always cooked) and then enjoying the gifts everyone got, and looking forward to a wonderful Turkey feast for Christmas dinner. All so wonderful! Made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
This year? Well, the first challenge was money. We have been struggling and getting worse and worse with each passing month, to the point we ran out of oil last month and froze. There was certainly no money for Christmas gifts and celebrations. Instead that “shopping time” was devoted to desperately trying to get financing to just survive a few months longer, but no luck. Well, I thought, we’ll just do the best we can. My sister said she would look after the dinner but we couldn’t have it Christmas day because they were leaving for Las Vegas for ten days Christmas morning. Oh well, not so bad to have it a day earlier, I thought. We’ll still have the joy of Christmas morning together. Then the dinner became Friday, because that’s when everyone could come. Not very close to Christmas, but we’ll still have Christmas morning, right?
And it would be nice to have her look after everything for me, and give me a chance to relax a bit and enjoy Friday at least.
The fist item on the “help” agenda for Friday? They went to the casino and left me to wrap presents, clean the house, start the turkey, and do the recycling, burn the Christmas music CDs and food shop. I had also asked Ron to bring in some bags of pellets for the stove because I’m not supposed to be lifting after my surgery. Of course he didn’t so I had to get on my belly under the trailer to drag out the heavy bags, hurting my stitches in the process. Then, when they finally came home, Ron took off to wash their brand new car, and Wendy asked me to get the liquor and cigarettes for them, and shop. It was a madhouse and not something I thought I would be doing, what with all this “help”. Oh, on top of it, the guy came to pick up the firewood that I had sold to try to raise some money. Did I get any help from Ron loading the firewood? Nope. When everyone got here, I was still rushing around and trying to get dressed to spend some time with them.
Because this was Mum’s last Christmas, at least in her home, I had arranged for a video camera to record it for her to remember. It lasted all of five minutes on the Friday night when everyone was here, so that idea was toast.
Someone suggested we open one gift while everyone was here. Although it certainly wasn’t Christmas Eve, I agreed that anyone who couldn’t be here Christmas morning should open one. That was when I found out we were opening all of the gifts on this, I guess, “special” Friday and not Christmas morning. Not impressed, but no point in upsetting everyone who obviously didn’t care that it wasn’t Christmas.
My buddy Wade had driven seventeen hours to get here and spend Christmas Eve with me and our friends. I said I had to be back early in the morning Sunday for opening gifts, but this changed of course when we opened them all early. I still wanted to be home to cook the special breakfast that I had managed to scrounge up the money for and planned to cook for everyone. After they went to the casino on Saturday to spend money we don’t have, they informed me at three o’clock that they were leaving right then. When I said I had plans for Christmas Eve, they said they had to “get going”, so my night was toast as well. And breakfast? Well, there’s lots of food.
My buddy Wade, such a true friend, first gave me three hundred bucks to help me out. Mum thought it was for both of us and promptly divided the money in half. I tried to explain that it was money from Wade to help me out, and she insisted it was for both of us and I wasn’t getting any of “her” money. Then Wade phoned his Mum in OK Falls to ask if there was room for two more at the Christmas table dinner because my Christmas had been wrecked. Of course, Bonnie said there was always room at her table. Well, at least something to look forward to.
So Christmas morning was just like every other morning of the year, other than Mum searching for the money she insisted she didn’t have; asking over and over it was Christmas and who did she get this gift from, and where did she put the gifts, and bitching that she didn’t have a “cent” and might as well be dead when I told her she doesn’t have any money, and, well, you get it. At least I had that dinner to look forward to.
Seeing as how she has had the same clothes on for three days now, I asked her to pick out some nice clothes for our dinner. She asked what’s wrong with what she had on, and I said she had worn them for three days now and has lots of clothes, and it would be nice to put something special on for our dinner. She said her clothes were perfectly good and she wasn’t going to change them for anybody, and said I got out of the wrong side of the bed, and she wasn’t going anyway, and that was final. So, the one final shred of any Christmas magic I had left is gone too.
So how special was my Christmas? Undoubtedly, the very worst in my entire life. I hope yours was a whole lot better.
My Life
February 27th, 2005
Lenny graciously agreed to let me bunk out at her place again. Ain't she great? Nice to have true friends, who understand what you're going through and help out however they can. Couldn't make her dinner because the ski club was having a "thank you" dinner for volunteers that helped out. Awesome dinner at Teresa's and lots of people - way more than I expected. They are a good bunch. Couple of them were heading down to the Gator to see Almost Elvis, so I said I would meet them there. Roads were a little crazy because of a late season snow storm. Almost Elvis certainly wasn't playing the blues, so dancing wasn't as good as usual, but still had fun dancing with Darlene, Cathy, Donna and Waneta. Thanks for the compliments ladies. I needed them this weekend for sure. Told a couple of them that I was going cross-country skiing today and they said they might join me.
Sunday was the perfect day for cross-country. Bit of new snow last night. Temp just above freezing and no wind at all. Linda wasn't feeling good, and, as usual, the others didn't call, so I wasn't crazy about going on my own, but I wasn't going to waste the perfect day, so off I went. Although I wanted to do my usual run, I knew I was not in good shape, seeing as how this is the first time up this year, but I thought I would just take it easy. I was doing great until I took a wrong turn and ended up bombing down a black diamond hill. Couldn't stop and bought it into the snow bank at the bottom, right in front of two skiers coming up. At least it was nice fresh, soft powder I fell into to break my fall. Did a great couple of hours and I just know I'll be paying for it tomorrow.
Cooked chicken wings and Caesar salad for dinner and played with Sasha and took it easy until I came home. Linda was being cautious about talking about who she knew I was going crazy about, as had everybody all weekend. As usual, when I got home I had to empty the garbage, fill up the pellet stove, do the recycling, fill the humidifier, empty the dishwasher, even do Mum's pills which were empty. So much for "help" from my sister.
Now for the worst part of the weekend, and my life for that matter. Over the last three weeks I've learned that it ended up being a big mistake to be so proud of having a great girl and sharing things with friends. Naturally they only want what's best for you, and to see you happy, so they ask how it's going? I have only myself to blame for unwittingly putting myself in an awkward and embarrassing position.
Not even sure I feel comfortable posting anything public about this, but I have to face up to it and deal with it, so this is a start. It doesn't help that I have the picture of her that I posted right above the computer to look at while she was away. As you know all too well, this has been a brutal three weeks for me. I have been through just about every emotion - pain, loss, sadness, confusion, anger, loneliness for the whole time. This weekend was the worst because, first, as far as I knew she was flying into Vancouver Friday night. Of course I didn't know anything for sure because, well, you know why. I kind of expected she would call from Vancouver, or at least email to let me know she got back safely and when she was coming home. Before the holiday extension, we were going skiing this weekend at Big White, so I hoped she would at least let me know if that was on or not. No such luck. As the weekend drew on and still no word from her, I bounced back and forth between concern that something had gone wrong for her, to just total confusion. I got my answer when I got home and checked my email. There was a brief and terse message, a "dear John" thanking me for the "good times we had." "Hurt" and "sad" don't begin to describe how I feel.
Yet another lesson learned - don't EVER be honest about your feelings.
February 23rd 2005
For anyone following the saga of the long lost girlfriend (yeah, both of you), it might have seemed odd that I haven't said a word about it in days. Actually, I know, anyone who knows me finds it odd when I have nothing to say. Well, there isn't anything to say really, only because there hasn't been a single word - no email, no postcards, no nothing. It's a very strange situation for sure. At this point I don't have a clue when she's even coming home. It's already Thursday in Fiji and she'll be leaving at some point because it's a four hour drive back to the airport, and a nineteen hour flight home to Vancouver. I would assume that she probably wants some "catch-up" time at home before going back to work on Monday, so I doubt she won't be back until late Sunday, but you never know. I certainly haven't been right about anything with her so far, have I?
I'll freely admit to being more confused about this "relationship" than I've ever been in my entire life. I find it so hard to believe that I could have been so wrong about someone. We spent so much time together and we talked for hours and hours. I thought I knew her at least enough to think how this holiday would go, but I could never have been more wrong. They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder". I guess you could add "absence makes the brain clearer" as well. When I put the holiday experience together with the stuff that happened before she left, I get a pretty clear picture of how dumb I've been. All the affection; the "wuv" you; the cards and gifts; "celebrating" our one month anniversary; and talking about the longer term and making plans to do stuff together, like take lessons to develop a dance routine for us, all seems so empty when I realize there never ever was anything coming back from her. How could I have missed this when it was so damned obvious? I guess when you are blinded by falling in love with someone you don't pay attention to the fact that they don't feel the same way. You just wish for it, but that doesn't make it happen. Even though some things should be painfully obvious, like refusing to let me do something for her for Valentine's Day, which I know is brutally clear to just about everyone on the planet except me, accepting the truth means you have to give up on your dreams of it being the way you had imagined.
Regardless of how badly it turned out, and how painful it has been to accept the way things really are, I know I am a better man for having been through all this. I have learned my lesson and will be much more cautious the next time, even when my heart tells me differently. I know now that expressing my true feelings too soon is my worst enemy, not my friend. I will pay more attention to the signs - the reality and not the dream. I will try to keep uppermost in my mind how much it hurts to be so wrong.
I have always believed that there is a woman out there who wants what I want - love, affection, trust, treating each other like the two most special people in our lives, caring more for the other than ourselves, putting their needs first, respecting and sharing in their hopes and dreams, and knowing that, with them, our lives have more meaning and are so much better together, than apart. They light up the room and our hearts when they walk in. We think about them all the time, not out of need, but out of love. We miss them horribly when they are not around. We only find true peace and comfort in their arms. We know honest passion when we make love. We are devastated by any upset or argument, or anything that jeopardizes our future, like health issues or family situations. We are free to be ourselves, without any reservations. We can feel genuine kid-like happiness around them, and we laugh and laugh together. We sense a whole new optimism about life, and we can confront our problems with the confidence that having a strong relationship brings. None of this exists when you are alone. I know that all too well, because, obviously, I am alone.
"It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone."
- Author unknown.
February 20th 2005
Got out of my gloomy slump (a glump?) a little this weekend.
Saturday got off to an interesting start. Tracy was going to look at a boat in Peachland and she asked me if I would mind coming along with her to check it out. It was a chance for me to see the kids again, so I jumped at it. It was terrific to see Bray and Madison again. They are getting so big! We had a ball and took some pics. They dropped back to the house to see some of the renos and say high to Mum, although Mum had no clue who they were, of course. Threw her a little when Bray said, "good-bye Grandma."
Lenny graciously agreed to put me up for my one-day weekend break. I was cooking dinner for her Saturday, then we were going to the Blue Gator that night, and hiking on Sunday. Her boss, Heather, had a friend, Judy coming in for the weekend, so the plan was changed to dinner at Friends, then to the Gator. We had a great meal, that I couldn't afford, at Friends, then we were off to the Gator to see one of my favs, Dogskin Suit. I was shocked when I walked into the Gator because they had done some major renos since I was last there. It's about twice the size now and awesome. Big new dance floor and more seating.
It was one of those weekends that prove Kelowna is the biggest little small town in the world. When we sat down I noticed a blonde sitting at the table next to us, and thought I might be lucky enough to know her. When she went out for a smoke I followed, and she immediately said "hi, Gary", and I realized it was Wanita, my buddy Greg McCarthy's ex. We did some catching up and she asked me to dance, which was great. At one point she was sitting alone at the table, so I went over to ask her to dance, she said she didn't want to leave the table because she was waiting for some friends to arrive. Next thing I see Marv and Sylvie, my sort of ex, come walking up to the table, so we had a laugh that we all knew each other. Darlene was there, the lady I planted the tress for, and John Grant and Erin, so I got lots of dancing in. John asked me if I liked hockey cause he gets Rockets tickets a lot and takes his son, but sometimes his son can't go, so he asked if I wanted to go with him. Bonus!
When I was talking to John and Erin, we mentioned the dance lessons from Tom and Deb, and I said I was hoping to take them with my new girl, but things were a little uncertain with the whole "holiday" thing. I explained what happened to John, and the first thing he said was "oh, she's with a guy then, not a girl." Funny that everyone draws the exact same conclusion. Erin was listening, and she asked if this was the girl she knew. When I said yes, she said that the girl she knew was a "sweetie" and would never ever do that, so don't jump to conclusions.
Sunday was a bit of a bummer cause, first I wanted to go cross-country skiing, but Lenny wasn't up to it, so we were doing a hike. Judy was joining us, but when Sunday morning came, Judy was "sleeping it off", and Lenny wasn't doing anything except crash on the couch. I ended up taking Sasha (Lenny's dog) for a hike myself. Got some good pics for the hiking website, and managed to train Sasha to actually come for me off the leash, which was great.
Still in a bit of a "funk" but at least took my mind off things for a bit. Stay tuned.
February 17th 2005
Well I finally heard from the long lost "girlfriend". Now she's staying until late next week, not arriving into Vancouver until Friday at 11:00 pm, with no idea when she'll be back into Kelowna. I can just hear the tongues wagging now - yes, I guess he's showing her a very good time, and she wants more. Oh well, at this point what's a few more days. I wasn't expecting an invite to the wedding anyway. Oh, and by the way, not a word about the Valentine's eCard, naturally. Did I expect anything else? Live and learn, I guess.
Even sadder is the fact that I've been in a sulk, dreading the thought of learning the truth at the airport on Sunday. I've been feeling that horrible sense of loss when a relationship is over, and it hurts so badly. You try to pick yourself up and get on with life, but it all seems so empty without that special someone. They always say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but right now, I can't say I agree with that. Not a very happy camper, that's for sure.
February 16th 2005
Okay already - so I am an idiot. I get it. Sometimes having lady friends to talk to really sucks, cause they make so much sense all the time. Sometime it's better to just be a clueless man, and fumble your way through life, than to actually understand the female mind.
In helping me through my confusion over the Valentine’s Day "massacre" with my "girl", survey says I am clueless and I don't get it. Why would she not give me the information on where she was staying so that I could do something special for her on Valentine's Day, even when I had to spoil the surprise and tell her why I needed it? She knew how difficult it would be for me to have her away on such a big day for me, and how important it was, but she refused to give me her "girlfriend's" name, who the room was booked under. Made no sense. Well, survey says, it isn't a "girlfriend" she's with; it's obviously a "boyfriend". That explains why she refused to give me any information; why she said she wanted to have no "connection" while she was there; why she hasn't made any attempt to email me, and why she hasn't even received the eCard Valentine I sent her. Duh! Wake up Gary. Okay, I get it. I may be older, but obviously not wiser. I want to think only the best of people, and trust them, so don't confuse me with facts. Sometimes you just want something so bad that you ignore the reality of how things really are.
Although I hate hearing the truth, I defer to all those wise women who are true friends and want only the best for me, and don't want to see me get hurt. I'm listening and I promise to learn. Don't forget, I am a "hopeless romantic". We just hate the truth when it isn't the least bit romantic. You could have at least humored me when I suggested she was staying in a grass hut on a deserted island with no contact with the outside world, and that explained why I hadn't heard from her. Damn you!
Even though. sadly, you are no doubt right about the boyfriend thing, I hope you are also right that she will still want to be friends, if not boyfriend/girlfriend, because I truly was looking forward to doing all the things we talked about. I have a ski pass to Big White, and she agreed with me holding off going until she came back. We talked about going cross-country skiing, and she said she would try to learn roller-blading. And the big one - she is my all-time favorite dance partner, so I hope we can always dance, no matter what. Against my better judgement (okay, so I don't have any) I went to the Corral last Saturday, if only to refuse to admit to myself that I couldn't go without her, and it was lousy. I didn't enjoy dancing with all my "regulars" because they just didn't get it, and kept asking me what the hell I was doing when I tried some of the moves I do with her. We talked about taking dance lessons together and I hope this is still on for her. Hopefully the "boyfriend" understands.
Clueless in Kelowna.
February 14th 2005
This is the day when those in love feel that special glow of being with someone special. It's also the day when those people without someone special feel lonely and depressed, and wonder what they are doing wrong in their lives.
My "sweetie" is in Fiji, a million miles away, and this makes this day all the harder. It's a day ahead in Fiji, so I sent her an eCard for Valentines yesterday. I was hoping beyond hope that she would find the time to at least send me an email or let me know she got the card, but no such luck. As an admittedly "hopeless romantic" guy, Valentine's Day is the most special day of the year to me, and it's sad to see it as just another day. Before I found out she would be away on Valentine's I had made reservations for a special table by the window at Earls, down on the lake - something that's almost impossible to do because it's THE romantic spot for Valentine's. I was going to have roses on the table for her, and get her something special for our very first Valentine's Day. All of this was trashed when she informed me she would be in Fiji. As sad as I was about it, I tried to arrange to send her flowers at her hotel in Fiji, and emailed the hotel to make the arrangements. They had no one by that name booked in, I assumed because it was booked under her friend's name. I tried to get her to give me the information, without telling her why, but she wouldn't without her friend's "approval". Finally I had to spoil the surprise by telling her why I needed it, and she still wouldn't give it to me. So much for feeling "special".
Instead of feeling that warm glow of being special to someone, all I feel is the incredible sadness at what might have been. Not exactly what I had in mind for Valentine's Day, 2006. Hopeless Romantic? Nope, just another sad lonely guy.
January 30th 2005
What a difference from last weekend. This weekend was one of "failed expectations". Part of the problem was my sweetie was still very sick, and worried that she would still be ill when she had to fly off to Fiji next Friday - a scary thought with a head cold. Friday night was me cooking dinner, and watching movies, so she could rest. This weekend was Snowfest, so there was lots going on to do, but Crystal wasn't up to going out much.
Saturday night was a big deal for me, as it was the last night Crystal and I would have for quite a while. She's leaving on Friday afternoon, and not coming back until late Sunday night in two weeks, so that basically toasts three complete weekends - the only time I get to leave the house and caring for Mum fulltime. This meant Saturday night was the only break I would get in the next whole MONTH. Yikes! Talk about pressure to make the best of it! No matter what we did Saturday night I at least hoped I could spend the night with Crystal at her place. When we talked on the phone to decide what she was up to, she informed me that she wanted to get a good night's sleep and preferred that I didn't stay over. That was a blow! My one and only night in a month was toast. We ended up going to the Corral because she felt she wanted to at least try to see if she could get some dancing in. We did have a couple of hours of great dancing, but this was certainly overshadowed by going home alone at the end of the night.
Sunday was even worse. I had hoped that we could spend our last full day together. Ron and Wendy were taking Mum out for breakfast and then to the casino, so we would have the day alone at least. I suggested I get some movies and cook a nice roast beef dinner, then we could cuddle and watch our Sunday night TV - all so Crystal could just get some much needed rest. No deal. She can't handle Ron and Wendy's smoking in our house, so my plan was toast. Not exactly what I wanted after feeling so bad after Saturday night. I'll admit to the start of some serious doubts that this was going to be so "perfect" after all. I know that it's the stress of caring for Mum fulltime and feeling that no one cares what Gary wants, and it's all very unfair to a new relationship with Crystal, but feelings are feelings. I almost didn't go to see her at all, but realized wallowing home alone in my self pity wasn't going to solve anything. It would have all been different if she wasn't sick, and simply didn't want to do anything I wanted to do, so I knew it was unfair to judge her this way. And we've had such good times, and so much promise. The very thought of it being over brought me to the verge of tears.
I doubted she was going to be well enough to do anything, like go skating, so I picked up a movie. It was so indicative of my day that even her DVD conspired against me and wouldn't work, but I eventually figured it out with the kind help of Hillary at Shaw. Crystal cooked a great meal and we sat down to watch Hustle and Flow, which then promptly started breaking up and wouldn't play properly. Could anything else go wrong today? No sooner had we eaten dinner than the phone rang and it was my sister informing me that they were leaving early and asking when I was coming home? I told her not to tell Mum any particular time, but that I would be home soon. She called again when they were leaving asking me if I was going to be on my way soon. When I avoided making a commitment she said Mum was freaking out, afraid to be on her own. When I said that was nothing new - she did that every night, my sister's smart-assed reply was to ask me if I go out every night? I've been telling everyone that Mum is not eating; balling all the time, and shaking, scared about she doesn't know what. No one believes me. The second Wendy walks in the door Mum wants to have a drink and party. She eats and goes off to the casino, just like everything is great, which it's not. I get all the bad stuff. Wendy sounded so judgmental that I wasn't dropping everything and rushing right home. I guess I am not entitled to have any life at all. Crystal was on the phone and I had paused the movie for a while, just long enough to start feeling guilty about not getting home and knowing that I now didn't have time to watch the movie anyway, and if she had come to our place like I wanted in the first place, I wouldn't be stressing about all this, so I gave up and left.
Did I find Mum in am emotional turmoil when I rushed home, or wandering around the park scared? No, she didn't even acknowledge me coming in. She was watching TV in her room, blissfully ignorant of how she had destroyed my last night with Crystal. What should my sister have done? Well, if she had a clue about Alzheimer's, or if she gave a damn about me, she would have told Mum I was trying to enjoy my all too brief break from caring for her and I would be home when I got home, and to stop pulling this shit. She had my cell phone number and Crystal's home phone number, and could call if there was a real problem of any kind - not the ones she so conveniently fabricates when she doesn't get her way.
Crystal did call later and we talked for our usual marathon, and she made me feel better. I am starting to realize more and more that nice guys really do finish last. No matter how hard I try to be accommodating to everyone and consider how they feel, no one give me the same respect in return. If I was a miserable, self-centered, prick that puts himself first, like so many guys I know, at least people pay attention. That's just not who I am, so I guess I'm doomed. I realized that all of what's going on now, especially with Crystal and I, which is the first thing I've done for me in forever, started with Christmas. I was as entitled to Christmas as anyone else - even more so when I've done more than my share of giving everything up for everyone else. My buddy was driving seventeen hours to spend Christmas with me, and we had been invited to friends for Christmas eve. My sister informs me at three in the afternoon that they're leaving for ten days to Vegas, and want to "get away early". Gary's plans? Who cares? Instead of just rolling over like I always do, what I should have done was tell her I had made plans based on her telling me she would be here, so either stay or take Mum with you. It's time for someone else to share the load.
Special moments? None this weekend. Not a one. And this when I face the next three weekends with more of the same, and no one to share any chance of "special moments" with. This sucks the big one. Watch this space. Things are going to change.
Worst day yet..
The best laid plans. I was scheduled to take a Business Development course through Community Futures, starting next Monday and running four weeks. This would not only have helped me to realize my dream, but would have provided EI for up to forty-six weeks, which would certainly have helped.
As all of you know all too well, no one pays you to care for a relative with Alzheimer's. It's been five and half months of zero income and this is very hard. I was originally to take the course in early June, but, of course, had to cancel when my Dad passed away and I had to care for my Mum full-time.
It is painfully hard to arrange care for an Alzheimer's patient in Kelowna. I managed to get a precious daycare spot for her at Hawthorne, and arranged for the Handi-dart bus to bring her home at night. My sister was coming down from Revelstoke to take her there Monday morning, stay with her a while and then pick her up at night. She then said she was too busy and could not come down, leaving Mum to me. On a recent assessment of her condition she told the nurse she wasn't going to go to daycare - that she just fine on her own. The nurse tried to explain to her that she cannot be left on her own, but she would have none of it. She said she was at the age where she could do what she wanted to, and she wasn't going anywhere. The nurse suggested we take her for a short visit on Wednesday to meet the staff and show her how much fun she would have. She arranged a spot on Wednesday and Thursday and also arranged for one of the care workers she likes to be there Monday and Tuesday morning to meet her.
My sister called her to explain how important it was that I take my course and that she would have fun at Hawthorne. She sent her an email confirming that she had agreed to go, and that she understood how important it was to go. Wednesday morning I asked her to get dressed to go and she asked me where she was going? I asked her to read the emails again and reminded her she had agreed. On the trip in she asked me several times where we were going and when I explained everything again she said she wasn't staying there. We met the staff and they were terrific and Mum said she had a great time. The staff all said they were looking forward to her coming again, and Mum said she would.
The next morning I asked her to get dressed again and she said "why"? When I explained where we were going she said she wasn't going anywhere. I explained that she didn't have a choice and that she had promised my sister that she would go, but she flatly refused. I said we had an appointment and that she had no choice but to go, but she wouldn't even get dressed. I called my sister and asked her to call, which she did and she sent another email. On the way out the door she asked me where we were going and I said into Kelowna. I had to stop for gas and she asked me several times before we stopped where we were going. I asked her to read the emails from my sister and she got very angry when she saw Hawthorne. She said she wasn't going to go, and if I dropped her off she would just "thumb home". No one could make her go and she wanted to go home. She tried to get out of the car and, when I held her arm, screamed at me to let her go.
I lost it on the way home and told her I would have to cancel my course that I tried so hard to get into, and that she was being very selfish to not care how hard I had worked to get her into daycare. I asked why she thought I had been caring for her for the last five and a half months and she said it's because I didn't have a job. I asked if she knew why I couldn't work and she said it was because I was "f*ckin useless". I had to cancel the course, the daycare and the Handi-dart and try to reschedule her care workers. Luckily the care worker who was cancelled that day managed to reschedule and come so I could leave and calm down.
The care worker who had assessed her for care happened to call me when Mum was screaming at me. She couldn't believe the language or the things she was saying. When she heard Mum say "you can just get the f*ck out of here:, she said "oh, that must hurt". I said that it did the first time, but after about thirty times of hearing it, you get used to it. She said she has upped her care need to "first available bed" now.
The sad part is that the plan for Mum was good. She was able to stay in her own home and attend to daycare to see what they do there and to enjoy herself. We would be together for her last Christmas here, then get her into a care facility where she could still come home on weekends until her place was sold in February. With getting the EI from taking the course I would be able to hang on until the house was sold. Now she has refused to work with us and will be confined to a care facility and not able to come out. All of this earlier than planned or wanted.
The perversely good part is that she has lessened my guilt at putting her in a home. No matter how hard I have worked to make her happy these last few months, and believing she is better off in a facility where she will get the care she needs, I still bear the burden of putting her into care. Now, she has made this choice the only choice, and this relieves some of my guilt.
Giving my site a purpose
Not sure about this idea, but maybe it will help others in my situation. I'd like to devote this part of my site to helping caregivers who deal with a family member who suffers from Alzheimer's. Maybe some shared stories and ideas will help others to cope with this terrible disease. Worth a try anyway.
My Dad passed away last May and my Mum has Alzheimer's, so I had to drop my life and move in with her to care for her. The only other choice was to put her in a home, which would have killed her after just losing my Dad after 58 years together. Living with a person with Alzheimer's brings difficult challenges, especially when it's someone you know so well. It's tough to watch them waste away slowly. My Dad was really struggling with being her caregiver. He had little patience and constantly blew up at her, always saying "I've told you ten times!", which, of course, doesn't work with an Alzheimer's patient. I have learned unbelievable patience since I took on the responsibility, but it's hard. My Dad believed he had to be here 24/7 to care for her, but this drove him nuts. He waited on her hand and foot, and expected nothing of her. Other than the Alzheimer's she is perfectly healthy and capable of many things. I did things a little differently, like not serving her like a slave. She got her own coffee and breakfast (no cooking, of course) and I expected her to do whatever she was capable of in my mind. She responded well, putting on twenty-five pounds and becoming more independent in the process. But there are still challenges, mostly that they say Alzheimer's patients take it out on the one they love, and this is very true with my Mum. She blows at me for nothing, and can be very cruel, which is not like her at all. I've been thrown out at least twenty times so far. People keep telling me to not take it personally, but that's easy to say, hard to do.
Anyway, I'd like to make this a forum for people in my situation to vent a little and offer any constructive suggestions they have for others. For example, I got her a "Memory Board" - a write on/wipe off white board on which I write important stuff to remember, so that she doesn't ask me ten times. If she has a doctor's appointment I write the day and time on the board. It's simple but it works. If there's anything that comes up during the day that she has asked me a couple of times about, I write it on the board for her.
I guess another purpose here is to share thoughts with other people who know what caring for an Alzheimer's patient is really like. So many of my friends say they understand how difficult it must be, but they really don't know unless they have experienced it first hand. There's also come practical suggestions we can use. For example, I made all of the arrangements for my Dad's service, which we held in the mobile home park where he lived for thirty years. My Dad wanted no tears, so we had a celebration of his life. Lots of pictures, food, music and laughter and everyone who came out said it was how they wanted to be remembered too. The next day my Mum asked if she was there? She couldn't remember even being there, let alone anything that happened. No one, including me, thought to video tape the service for her to watch and remember. Very tragic and such a simple solution.
If you are in a similar situation, please share your thoughts with us.