How much can one man take?
When you fall down that ladder, one rung at a time, and finally slip off the bottom rung and fall on the ground, you believe, bad as it is, that you have finally hit rock bottom. There’s nowhere left to go, right?
My journey to the bottom has been full of challenges, some admittedly of my own doing, and others just plain bad luck. When I offered safe haven to the Panamanian family who were going to be out on the street for two weeks, how did I know it would end up taking me two weeks to get them out after calling the police, or that they would rip me off for everything I owned, leaving me virtually penniless in a foreign country? They never even paid me a cent of the eight hundred or so dollars I spent to feed their huge family. They left me with no choice but to return to Canada and, had it not been for the kind offer of a roof over my head from my cousin in Toronto, I have no idea what I could have done.
Life is what happens while you are making other plans, they say. By pure chance I met a woman on the internet who lived in London. We fell hopelessly in love, at least I thought so, and I ended up moving to London to be with her. Circumstances prevented us from living together, which I guess turned out to be the right thing. A few months into what I felt was the best relationship I had ever had in my life, and she spent the weekend with another man, who has now moved in with her, and I’m toast.
Thankfully a colleague had got me a job working for a call centre and this kept me alive for a few months at least. There were plans for another show in Calgary and, for a time, I was on my way to Calgary, which suited me just fine, as it got me out of here, but it all fell through and I was out of work. I spent all day, every day, doing my best to find a job, any job. Tim Horton’s, factory work, any kind of sales job, you name it. I was lucky enough to be selected from over three hundred candidates to get the job as Regional Manager for a wireless security company. They told me they had all kinds of “hot leads” for London and all I had to do was follow them up and close them. It was straight commission, but I was confident in the product and my abilities to close and I seized the opportunity like a pit-bull. Despite my efforts, The truth was they had no leads, no clients who had systems and no prospects of any kind.
I soon discovered that the market in London is like no other. Business here has no morals of any kind and no respect for your time and effort. Among many, many prospects was a recycling company who had four locations around London. I spent two full days visiting each location, taking pictures, drafting drawings, meeting with each location manager and preparing the detailed quote. I presented the quote and answered all of their questions. The final statement from the VP was they didn’t know if they would start with two locations, or go for all four. Needless to say, as someone who had spent his whole life in sales, I know a closing statement when I hear one. Keep in mind that this represented about a seven thousand dollar commission, which would change my whole life.
I gave it a few days for them to discuss it and then started following up with emails and phone calls. Nothing. No response. Days went by, then weeks and I could not figure out what I had done wrong, for the life of me. Finally I had our Head Office call and they told them the decision would be delayed for a month or two. Why they couldn’t tell me I will never know.
It was the same story with other prospects. I cold called. I emailed. I phoned. Our Marketing Department sent out a five hundred piece mailer to targeted accounts, a piece that had gotten a good response in other areas and closed some deals. London? Not one response. Our telemarketing department, in two months of calling, got one appointment, which turned out to be a total waste of time. After driving way out of town and spending an hour with the guy, he said he was “just curious” and had no need for a system right now. It was all becoming more and more hopeless.
At the same time I knew I was just about out of money. I hadn’t paid the rent, so I volunteered to do a bunch of work my landlady needed done. I was hoping to work off the rent I owed and, although I freely admit I should have got a firm agreement in place before starting all the work, I assumed she would offer, given that I did about fifty hours of work, completely reorganizing her disaster of a garage, repairing the railings around her above ground pool, building a bookcase unit and some small stuff. When the work was done she didn’t offer me a dollar, in fact, I had spent some money on supplies and she calculated the rent right to the dollar.
Over the next couple of weeks she made my life a living hell. I was afraid to even run into her because she took every opportunity to yell at me and treat me like you know what. She shut the air-conditioning off on me, at a time when we have been suffering through a horrible heat wave. My place was the loft of the house, poorly insulated and not vented properly, so it was about forty degrees up there. I couldn’t work or sleep, which took its toll on me, this on top of not having my diabetic medications for six weeks. She impounded my bike and carrier, so I lost my only form of recreation and she became more threatening about what she would do if I didn't come up with the rent for August as well. I was a mess.
When she told me she was going out of town for a couple of days I realized it was an opportunity to escape. I had nowhere to go, but I just prayed I would find somewhere. I knew I would crack if I didn’t get out of there fast. I took most of my stuff to my friend’s business and started running all over town looking for something. With all the students for Fanshawe college and the University, this is a crazy place to find anything decent. If I were a young female student, no problem, but there is nothing for an older man. The places I looked at were disgusting and too expensive anyway.
With nowhere to go I ended up at the Salvation Army Centre of Hope. Having never been in a place like this before, I had no idea what to expect. After a lengthy check-in process, they showed me to my dorm room, shared with three other guys. Everything is pretty sparse, like one shower for about fifty guys on the floor and the blanket they give you is paper thin and the bed is like sleeping on cardboard, but it’s a roof over your head. Also, thankfully, cool, in fact, sometimes downright cold. There’s a TV room, but you can only watch what the first person in the room watches. No fun for a channel flicker like me.
Doesn’t sound too bad, right? Well, when they checked me in they asked me if I was on Ontario Works, which I was. They asked for my Health card, which they told me covered two nights. I had no idea what happened after that, but my brain couldn’t handle anything more right then, so I figured someone would tell me later. They kick you out of the place during the day, which is challenging enough now. No idea what you do in the winter. When I came back to my dorm there was a note on my bed to speak to the office “immediately”. They informed me that I had to pay $15 a night and I could pay in the morning. The first thing you have to do each morning is sign the bed sheet indicating you will be there for another night. If you don’t they give up your bed, cut your lock off if you have one and donate your “stuff” to charity. Nice. In the morning my name was not on the list and panic set in.
I went down and paid, then brought the receipt back to the floor office. When I handed the receipt to him he immediately told me I could not stay. I carefully explained what I had been told and, after writing a novel on their computer, he told me he would “do me a favor” and let me stay until Tuesday, but then I had to be out. We left it that I would speak to my Ontario Works case worker on Tuesday and take it from there. I have no idea what else to do. I looked at another place, but now I don’t have enough money to pay the rent he wants anyway. It’s all more than one man can take. I have never been so low in all my life or felt so helpless.
They kicked me out of the shelter today. Can’t win.
The Walls are Closing in on Me
No idea why I keep blogging about all this. No one cares. That's obvious. I guess it some perverse idea that I don't want to just keel over from not having my meds and no one knows why. If it happens, I am reminded of that wise old saying about how much you'll be missed. It reads "put your hand in a bucket of water and then remove it and see how much you have affected it." Yes, a brief ripple and then no one knows you were ever there. Fitting.
My world is crashing in on me. I had applied for welfare to at least get me my meds before it's too late, but they are jerking me around. I had hoped that I would hear something today because they knew how critical it was, but, when I finally managed to contact my worker, she said she had sent me a letter! A letter? How urgent is that? Typical government worker. Not a clue about the real world.
Tonight is my last meal, literally, as that is all the food I have left. I can't go to the food bank because I don't have my authorization from welfare. The food bank only gives you a pathetic three days of lousy food anyway, so I have no idea how you are expected to live on that. My landlady, for whom I did about forty hours of tough work on her house for with little thanks and certainly no break on the rent, now wants me to go and stay at the mens Mission. I've missed two payments on my car, so I guess it might be a good idea to sleep in it somewhere else so they can't grab it from me, knowing my address.
Thanks to the disasters of the last few years I have nothing much left to sell. I've put my blades and my pool cue on Kijiji. I've been holding off putting my bike on because I might need it, but now my landlady might scoop it for rent. Other than clothes nobody wants, all I have is my computer and printer and they're not worth a whole lot. I see selling them as completely giving up, which I'm close to today. I have about fifteen dollars to my name and, without welfare, I won't survive. No meds is suicidal enough. Not eating on top of that for a diabetic is completely insane. At this point I would welcome the end of all this stress though.
There is so much I wanted to accomplish still. I hoped to one day be reunited with my kids, who I miss desperately each and every day. If they somehow find out that I am gone I wonder if it will mean anything to them after all these years? I was so hopeful when my son and I reconnected in 2007, but he just as quickly disappeared and I haven't spoken to him since. I can't even find Danielle, his daughter, who chatted with me often, but who has now also disappeared.
I have been compiling a list of the joyous moments of my life. Not sure why. I guess maybe to believe that my life has not been a waste. No matter what the memory or who was part of it, I found that all it did was make me angry that those people are not in my life, or helping me now when I helped them so much in the past. Even thinking about the kids gets me upset because I know I did nothing wrong. My kids knew I was stuck in a horrible marriage and they were the ones who encouraged me to move out West to start over. There was never any talk of them then abandoning me or my entire side of the family. I tried for years to connect with them, even driving down from BC to Ontario in the depths of the winter to see my daughter, who they hid away from me. It was all so cruel. Why do people do that to others? I figured that when my kids were adults they would come to their senses and contact us again, but that never happened. Both my father and mother passed away without ever hearing from their grand-kids again. Unbelievably sad and so undeserved.
No idea what will happen if I don't get my drug card tomorrow. I guess without food it will all be academic anyway.
Diary of a Diabetic
Had to happen. After a sleepless night Thursday because my feet were cramping up so bad, I knew I had to see my doctor. He phoned the pharmacy to order emergency meds for me, then gave me money out of his own pocket to pay for them. He's such a great guy! When he tested my sugar, which came back at a whopping 24.5, he said I needed to go straight to emergency, which I did. Took hours, but they watched me while my sugars came down slowly and they gave me enough Metphormin to make it through the weekend. Going without my meds has been stupid, but I've had no choice. God, how I wish I could find a job, any job!
Desperation sets in
Not much left to say. I am on hold on the phone right now to Welfare, to beg them to give me some meds before I collapse. It's been six weeks now and that is taking its toll on me. Add this deplorable heat to being without meds and the days and nights are not pleasant. My landlady, although surprisingly understanding about not paying the rent last week, refuses to leave the air on to cool down my sweltering loft, so I just sit and sweat and can't sleep. I have no money for food, so my diet has tanked. I am so dehydrated all I do is drink water and pee, and it keeps me up all night. I have filled out an unbelievable number of job applications, at least a hundred over the last few days, with not one response. It's so discouraging! I would kill to be back out West. I have so many wonderful memories of great friends there. I have no one to care here. I wish I could close my eyes, click my heels and wake up in the Okanagan.
Poem - Denise - On Valentine's Day
On Valentine’s Day, 2010
My vision for this Valentine’s Day cannot come true
The cabin in the woods, the roses, just me and you
There was wine and strawberries with cream
The kind of things of which you can only dream.
To kiss and to cuddle and make love all night
To show you my love in ways to delight.
My heart is bursting with feelings for you
You are my “once in a lifetime love”, it’s true.
I see you. My heart skips a beat.
No other woman could ever compete.
I’ve given you my heart on a silver platter
Nothing else is important in my life, no matter.
I can’t pick what I love the most about you
Because ever single thing about you is so true
Gorgeous. Smart. Sexy and fun.
Your radiance is like the proverbial sun.
You truly are the wind beneath my wings
With you my whole body literally sings.
I can’t wait to see you or talk to you every day
You make every minute so special in every way.
Thoughts of you consume all of my days
I love you so much, in so many ways.
Your beauty excites me beyond belief
You have stolen my heart, you wonderful thief.
I lay down at night, thinking of you
I wake the next day and the same is true
That you came into my life to love
Is the most wonderful gift from above.
That you met me and loved me for a little while
That thoughts of you and me make you smile.
“ILYB”, “ILYMB” and so much more
Texting and talking were what I adore.
Making love to you was what heaven’s about
That I could please you, my name to shout
“Wait! Wait” were words of music to my ears
Was I good enough? You calmed all my fears.
No woman has ever meant more to me
You are my reason for living, can’t you see?
For without you I am a broken man
To live all alone, don’t think that I can.
For you are what I’ve have longed for all my life
To hold you in my arms, and make you my wife.
Just to know that our days and nights could be together
There’s no amount of problems I could not weather
Without you loving me I don’t know what to do.
Am I just to be your friend? Please give me a clue
Is there any reason for me to cling to the hope
Or does that just make me even more of a dope?
So sorry that the words in my blogs hurt you
Honesty is the best policy? Not always true
I just wanted to be the man in your life
And to believe someday you’d be my wife.
Great memories are many, I hope you agree
I want to believe it’s not over for me.
Your mind seems made up. Is there no chance
That you and I can still find romance?
You’ve found another. You think he’s the one
If that’s true, then, yes I agree, I am done.
I know I have hurt you and deserve to lose
But I still believe I’m the right one to choose.
If you find true love with him it’s meant to be
Even though it means the greatest loss for me.
Into everyone’s life a great love must come
To show it’s possible, that’s what you’ve become.
If you find true love I will become a distant memory
But deep in my heart, I hope, if you ever think of me
I hope you remember all the good times we had
And that for a fleeting moment you’re glad.
No one will ever love you like I do.
No one will ever completely understand you.
No one will ever bring such laughter your way
No one will work harder to make your day
No one will ever help you all that he can
No one will want more to be your man.
No matter what, you will always be my “forever love”.
Denise - when I'm together with her
When I'm together with her, all the while
All I can think about is her dazzling smile.
She makes me want to shout out loud
With her at my side I am so proud.
Her twinkling eyes and cute little bod
Men around her all give her the nod
How I got so lucky, God only knows
The love for me that she shows.
Together forever we long to be
But for now we'll just have to see
What the future may bring.
Will she end up wearing my ring?
Her life is complicated and full of strife
I just want for her to have a happy life
There are so many joys we bring to each other
It is not possible that we could want for another.
But time will tell if it is meant to be
She has tough choices to be set free
To be able to love me as I think she might
Tell me suffering alone is not our plight.
Our paths crossed out of sheer dumb luck
Not ending up together would surely suck.
Without her my heart is an empty shell
Not having her in my life is a living hell.
It's not even a day apart and I long for her
To put my arms around her I'd much prefer.
She's not alone in missing me
Sarah needs me as much as she.
Lines of prose should never be sad
Instead they should show I'm glad
But missing her brings on a heavy heart
The days and nights when we're apart
At first sight
At first site of her your heart skips a beat
You just know that you have to meet
Long beautiful hair, angel eyes, a killer smile
Over broken glass to her you’d walk a mile
You sum up the courage to say hello
Terrified that she’s going to say no
But she says hello and gives you her name
You respond with some flirting. No shame
The first compliment is about her dancing
Trying hard not to show you want romancing
She says that she would love to dance with you
Your heart races at the thought of what to do
Will your dancing impress her enough?
Will she think that you have the right stuff?
Will there be more to this than just dance?
Will she want more? Is there a chance?
After a time you can’t stop thinking of her
Dreams of her loving you is what you prefer
Don’t go too fast! Don’t scare her away!
Take it slow and there might come a day
When things change and she wants more
Being your girlfriend is what you’d adore
You find love when you aren’t looking for it
Could she be the one whose love won’t quit?
Sure you’ve been hurt really badly before
But is this an excuse for not wanting more?
True love means being bringing down your walls
Don’t ignore the signs or be blind to the calls
Take a chance. You have nothing to lose.
This girl could be the one you should choose.
Keep your guard up and it will be your loss
Tell her. Be honest. Get your message across.
Life is short. No time to waste staying alone
It could be great, don’t fear the unknown
Just go for it. You know that you should
Be honest and clear. Don’t be misunderstood
Today forced isolation is our biggest threat
We can’t be together, can’t date, and yet
Having that special someone to share your life
Your lover. Your girlfriend. Maybe even your wife?
What life is all about, sharing good times and bad
Going it alone with no one will just make you sad
Having someone to love won’t solve everything
But into your life pure joy it will bring.
Poem - Emily - Jewl
Into every child’s life must come a first pet
To care for, love and cherish and yet
There comes a day you know they’ll regret
A day that will make you so very upset.
For no matter how much you love them to death
They don’t live forever. They will take their last breath.
To a child this loss is a whole new feeling
That makes them cry and sends them reeling.
It’s so hard to make them understand it’s okay
To grieve their loss in their own special way.
To them it’s a pain they have never had
It makes them confused and so very sad.
We all go through it and we remember the pain
Our first thought is we’ll never have pets again.
But time heals all wounds and we soon recover
We learn that to go on we’ll soon have another.
Millions of pets go unwanted every day
Unloved and put down in such a cruel way
But you gave life to one so special to you
She knows that it was the right thing to do.
She wants you to remember all the good times you had
And not to dwell on her passing and be so sad.
Think of all the fun and joy she gave to you.
Smile when you remember her and don’t be blue.
To keep her alive in pain would be cruel
Think only good thoughts of your friend, Jewl.
In the days ahead you’ll miss her so bad
But remember she doesn’t want to make you sad.
She’s in a better place, free from pain
And she’ll want you to love another again.
More little joys like her will come your way
To fill your heart with joy. You’ll be okay.
Jewl will never forget her good friend, Emily
Who loved her and cared for her as much as could be
No better could she have been loved by anyone
Have only good thoughts, like the heart she won.
Poem - Maybe a new beginning?
Never in my life have I been this sad
So many things are making me mad
These lines I write to get it all out
Venting my pain is what it’s about.
How did I get to this place in my life?
So grief stricken and filled with strife.
My fair share of mistakes I’ve certainly made
Too many wrong choices, and for those I have paid.
As I contemplate the final chapter of it all.
I begin to reflect on just how far the fall.
There were times when I thought to give in
Would signal what would be a cardinal sin.
I searched for some sign of a change coming
But no matter how I prayed there was nothing.
Each twist and turn brought only new pain
Why hang on when there was nothing to gain?
Just when I thought it was all for naught
Came the glimmer of hope I had sought
My cousin offered me a roof over my head
I thought for a moment I might not be dead.
A door had closed but another had opened wide
I might get my life back if I swallowed my pride
It gave me a chance to get out from the stress
Of having a life that had become such a mess.
In the midst of my sorrow Denise came to me
She so brightened my days and I began to see
That with this amazing woman here by my side
My life could be better, filled with such pride.
Her beautiful smile and twinkling eyes
That she loved me came as such a surprise
But along with the joy came also new doubt
Could we be together was what’s it’s about.
Mere words in a poem cannot be enough
To capture how, without her, it’s so rough
She gave me some hope, but only so brief
Thoughts of without her just brings me more grief.
Impossible it seems that we’ll ever see the day
When we can be together in that special way.
Her life, it’s complex, simply no room for me
More and more it looks like it’s not meant to be.
My life has no purpose if I can’t share her life.
She’s the first one for me that I’d want as a wife.
But it doesn’t look like there’s a place for me
To share hopes and dreams of what it could be.
Her smile warms my heart and fills me with joy
The way that she blushes and tries to be coy.
God, why bring me this vision? Is it a sign?
You know she can’t ever really be mine.
My father died in my arms that cursed day
My life changed forever in the worst way.
It was the start of a long painful fall
Now today, my back against the wall.
I have nothing to offer and can’t make it right
To lose the love of my life, a painful plight
Had she only come at a much brighter time
Our life together could have been sublime.
The dark shadows surround me and the sorrow grows
How I’ll ever get through this, God only knows
My dreams of happiness have all come too late
All alone and forever lonely. Is this my fate?
It’s said no love is worse than a love lost
But when you lose, the pain is the cost.
It tears at your soul that you can’t do a thing
To see the day when she wears your ring.
Life happens while you’re making other plans, it’s said
Sad that good fortune doesn’t come before you’re dead
If it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all
Desperate hope is pointless. Time to heed the call?
Let her go now before you hurt her even more
Just make sure that she knows it’s her you adore
That you will love her ‘til your dying day
That she is more special to you in every way.
The tears flow too easily as I write this prose
Sadness overwhelms me and I know it shows
Giving up is not something I’d ever prefer
But the odds, they are against me and her.
Choices she makes will change how it goes
Such a special lady, something everyone knows.
We’ve shared laughter and love, my sweet “Babygirl”
Know that deep down you set my soul in a whirl.
Neither of us knows what the future may hold
Without me in your life your love may grow cold.
If fate steps in to change your life plan
Know that I always want to be your man.
Today it appears to be impossible dreams
Living and loving, out of our reach it seems.
Your struggles to be free must come first
For me to be a factor would be the worst.
Only you know where your life it will go
But no matter what, there’s one thing to know
You brought such joy to a life so bleak
Eternity with you is what I seek.
Moments of weakness I wish you didn’t see
Strength and support is what you need from me.
You are strong willed, we know that is true
A pillar of strength is the right man for you.
Had we met at a different place and time
I have no doubt that you would be mine.
A love like ours is so hard to find
Always in my heart and in my mind.
The pain and the sorrow are too much to bear
For you I am longing, such much do I care
You are my once in a lifetime girl, I know
Overwhelming feelings of love do I show.
But the guilt of knowing I’m not right for you
At least not now, when you’ve so much to do
Sorrow and sadness, you’ve had your share
To just bring you more I do not dare.
What’s right here or wrong I have no clue
I only know my soul simply longs for you
To kiss you and hold you in my arms
To love you and share your many charms.
Those glorious moments we spent with each other
Tears well up when I sense they’ll not be another
My life is in ruins, little hope it will turn around
For too few moments of happiness now to be found.
You have been such a huge part of these recent days
You’ll never know how you thrilled in so many ways.
Although apart we did the best that we could
To keep the fires burning we just knew we should.
But texting and talking are just not enough
For people like us it’s simply too tough.
Our love is a start but we need the chance
To be together, have time for romance.
To laugh and cuddle and kiss and make love
Truly a great gift from the heavens above.
Your smile makes me crazy, of that be clear
My job is to bring only more smiles, my dear.
But when your soul is filled with such pain
Being “up” all the time you cannot sustain.
The reality of life rears its ugly head
And tears only flow like rain instead.
You need someone in your life as special as you
Settling for me is not the right thing to do.
I know you’ll be angry with me for this
But know there is no one more I will miss.
I believe in my heart that the love you have shown
Is more than one man could ever have known
Emotions ebb and flow like the tide
Sadness and sorrow I cannot hide.
Tears of joy turn to those of pain
A love like yours I’ll not find again
A different place and time we might have been
Like star-cross lovers, the best we’ve seen.
Wishing and hoping that dreams will come true
Is never enough, and not the right thing to do.
To get what you want needs decisions you take
If a life together is what you will make.
If those choices you make are not right for you
Then accept the alternative is what you must do
“Love is blind” only means you can’t see
That taking great risks will not set you free.
It has to be possible and not just a whim
Or that bright future will only grow dim.
In your life I’m not what you need right now
When being together we have no clue how.
Please don’t forget me in all your days ahead
Always remember, in my dreams, we were wed.
Wherever life’s journey in the future takes you
I hope you find another who loves you like I do.
Love you, forever and always.
Gary
A ray of sunshine comes into my life
They say love comes along when you are not looking for it. Never more true than with my new love, DW. It's a long story, but she was a friend of a friend who I had met through MyYearbook.com. The more we talked (and you know how I hate to talk) the more we connected. She lives a couple of hours away, so we texted or we chatted on Windows Live or we talked on Skype, every day. She finally came to meet me a few weeks ago and it was incredible from the second we met. One day wasn't nearly enough.