A Fool In Love

Despite my horrible experiences in both Panama and Ecuador, including my fiancee in Ecuador who just ripped me off, I wanted to give it one more try with Ajijic, Mexico. Anyone who follows me knows how I was thrilled with Ajijic from the minute I got here. My plan quickly changed from spending six months here and returning to Canada to finding a way to never leave here. That was before I met the love of my life.

The first night we met she was sitting with two of my dear friends, Bill and Violet. I asked her to dance and she was an incredible dancer, plus we seemed to have an instant connection on the dance floor. She was absolutely gorgeous and I knew this might be trouble.

When we went out the front of the restaurant to smoke and finished she sort of snapped her fingers and told me to come back in. I pointed at my ring finger and said she wasn't my wife. She replied in perfect English, "come on, baby". How could I resist that? After every subsequent smoke she said the same thing. One time as we came in I said to her if she was my wife one night with her would probably kill me.

I went home that night thinking how much I liked her, but at the same time believing that there was no way a girl like that would go for me. I could not have been more wrong.

The following Friday night she was out with Violet and Bill and Violet called to ask me where I was. We had got our wires crossed about an earlier dinner with the Munch Bunch. I reluctantly said I had just got home from the dinner and couldn't go out again. Not ten minutes later Elba phoned me to tell me she wanted me to come down.

The next day Bill phoned me to say that Elba wanted him to invite me down to La Bodega that night. Still somewhat surprised that she wanted to see me I agreed and met them there. To say that it was one of the best nights of my entire life would be a gross understatement. We danced. We talked. We laughed. We had a great time.

At one point the band played a slow song and we were the only couple on the dance floor. I did my usual fancy footwork, the kind that only a woman who has danced with me for years can get; but Elba was there step for step. It was a very romantic dance. When we went out for a smoke I told that was the best dance I had had in my life. She smiled and said she was going to tell me the same thing.

I thought it might be a good time to sneak a little kiss to sort of test the waters. She responded with the most passionate kiss I had ever had. From that moment on we were hugging, kissing and holding hands the rest of the night. It was pure magic, tainted only by the fact that she had to go back to Guadalajara the next morning. It all ended far too quickly.

The next morning I wondered if it had all been a dream and she wasn't feeling the same way as I did about her. I sent her a text message and the next thing I know we're texting each other all day Sunday and most of Monday even though she's back at work. She was coming back Monday night to Adelita's so I booked a table for us with Bill and Violet again, their friends Bruce and Helen who are visiting Violet from Washington, and Jack. It was yet another wonderful night. She was supposed to be staying at Violet's, at least that's what she told her son, Jonathan, but when they first arrived at my place he brought in her luggage, so there went that plan. Obviously her son is far too smart to be tricked.

Obviously as a gentleman I can't tell you anything about our weekend, except to say that it was literally the most wonderful, amazing, romantic, happy as hell weekend of my entire life. Despite our obvious language differences we talked for hours and hours. We discovered we had more connections than anyone either of us had been with before. To be corny, but blunt, I was the first time in my life that I knew what true love really felt like. She was quite literally the women of my dreams.

We've been together for coming on two months now and although we've had some communication issues, mostly because of the language, we're still very much in love. She's retiring at the end of this week so I am hopeful that she will be able to spend more time here in Ajijic.

Stay tuned.



More to the story...

Interesting that my last post about Ecuador was September 7th. I knew that I had no choice but to return to Canada, mostly because of the falling Canadian dollar, but I had no idea what was about to happen to make my life even more complicated.

On one of my many nights at The Bar I met a woman who I admittedly fell in love with  at first sight. I thought she was with a friend of mine because I had overheard him say something about his "girlfriend". Turned out to not be true but I didn't know that at the time. She came out to have a smoke and we talked probably for an hour or more, even though she didn't speak a word of English. She told me she ran a spa in town and you can bet I planned to go there. I offered to walk her home but she declined. I was confused by the fact that she left alone when her supposed boyfriend was still in the bar.

My friends, Deb and Dutch, had planned a going away party for me at The Bar. I had run into Bobby and Becca from my favorite group. Three Shades of Grey, downtown and asked if there was any chance that they would play that night and they immediately agreed, which was awesome. Not quite sure when I asked her to come, although I think I had run into her downtown one day at the market. I asked her to bring her mother to encourage her to come but The Bar is not popular with the locals so I didn't know if she would come or not. She did. 09_25_01

The minute she walked in the door she took my breath away. She was gorgeous. Although it was a bit of an unusual affair because there were many women who I wanted to dance with on my last night, I still got to dance with her. We were good together. At some point during the night we ended up outside for a smoke and I asked her about the "girlfriend" thing. She laughed and said he was only a friend, not a boyfriend. I found that very encouraging.

As the night came to a close I invited her and her Mum back to my place, hoping, of course, that her mother would decline, but she didn't. We talked and we danced, but the funniest part was every time her Mum went to the bathroom we would kiss and fondle each other, passion raging unchecked. At one point I mentioned that I was hungry and she disappeared. She came back with a full meal made from stuff I didn't even know I had. It was delicious. On top of everything else I loved about her she was also a great cook.

The night came to a close and they needed a taxi to get home, although it wasn't that far to walk, but it was late and maybe not that safe to venture out at that hour. My regular taxi guys would have long since gone home to bed so I wandered out on the street hoping to find one. Luckily there was a concert still going on just down the street and I found a taxi for them. I felt like a hero when I came back to my place and they were waiting outside, although I regretted her leaving.

No sooner had they left than I got a phone call from her telling me that her sister had locked them out of their place, so I told her to come back. Her mother got the bed and she and I pulled the cushions off the couch and chair and put them on the floor. I want to keep this post rated "G" so I won't go into details, but let's just say that it was interesting trying to stay quiet when her Mum was in the bed in the next room.

Dutch and I had planned a parting dinner at Jeanine's the next night so I invited her along, thinking that Dutch would be okay with that, which he was. When she arrived, right on time, I was a little sorry that she and I basically took over the dinner because his Spanish was too rough to understand her. For me it's the little things that I'm impressed with, probably because very few women had ever done those little things. When we got our soup, mine a broccoli base, I think and hers, tomato, she asked me if I liked it, which I didn't. Without a word she immediately switched our soups against my protest. Then she buttered my bread for me. Again, little things, but I was impressed. After dinner we wandered around town doing things she needed to do. The funny part was she held my hand and hugged me, but only when no one was around to see us. She said it was a small town and people would talk if they saw us.

She ended up spending the night at my place and again, let's keep it clean, so no details. Let's just say that it was incredible to say the least. I was falling totally in love with her, more than I had with anyone for a very long time. I knew that this was what real love was about, for the first time in my life.

09_29_01Over the next few days we spent some amazing time together, but, of course, nothing had changed for me to stay in the country, so that weighed heavily on our relationship. Because that b*tch had stolen my money and refused to return my passport I had to go to Quito to the Canadian Embassy to get a temporary passport so I could fly. She came with me and we had a wonderful bus ride down, talking and laughing the entire trip. In Quito I got to meet her son who I instantly got along great with. He was very happy that his mother had found someone to marry, yes, marry. That was the plan. On the trip back she suddenly grabbed me to get off the bus for some unknown reason. We ended up walking down to Puertolago, a five star resort on the lake. We shared a drink 09_29_02outside and it was very romantic.

As our final night in Cotacachi approached I knew that I wanted this last night to be something to remember. I phoned Puertolago and got a special deal based on promising them promotion on the website. Our driver, Dillan, picked us up and she had no idea where we were going. Finally the suspense was killing her so I told her where we were going. She was delighted. We had an incredible time at Puertolago. We enjoyed a fabulous dinner. We played some pool. We sat on the porch overlooking the lake. She had brought a bottle of champagne for us to celebrate our last time together, at least for a while until I came back. That was the plan.

Our driver picked us up the next morning to take me to the airport. Leaving her was a killer. There were a lot of tears but I planned to come back as quickly as possible, although I sure had regrets about leaving.09_26_0109_29_03 It was not a fun trip back to Canada. All I could think about was how I was going to get back to her and get married.

As many people know, long distance relationships are tough. Ours was even harder because we had the language issue. My Spanish was rough but we managed to talk on video for hours. Still, there were times when we just didn't communicate well. She began really pushing me about coming back, ignoring the many challenges I had with things like getting a new passport, a new criminal record check and all the documents I needed for a visa. She was trying to get a special visa based on me returning to marry her, but this worried me. If we didn't end up marrying, which was a possibility that she had raised, I would be stranded in Ecuador and forced to again return to Canada. I wanted to get my six month visa again and then apply for residency when I got there so that I would be protected from leaving again. That did not sit well with her and our relationship began to suffer.

Then all kinds of things happened with the business, none of it good. She introduced me to a lady who was going to sell for us. It so happened that she was gorgeous and soon my lovely fiancee was jealous of her, suggesting that maybe I wanted to marry her instead. All ridiculous but it showed me a side of her that I wasn't crazy about. Soon things really started to unravel and it looked like the marriage was off and the relationship was over. It was a very tough time for me because not only had I lost the love of my life, but now my whole future was in jeopardy. I didn't know if I would ever return to Ecuador now.


The Women in My Life

This is a tough one for me, only because I revere women and my memory isn't what it used to be, so I am terrified of leaving someone out. I doubt many of them will even remember me, so hopefully that means they won't be offended. The ones who were special to me know who they are.

My first love was Roxanne Rollings. We both attended Churchville Public School, now long gone. She lived right in Churchville and I lived several roads away, in the fifth line. Each line is normally about a mile apart, so I think where she lived was the third line, making it two miles between us, but that's as the crow flies and I had to ride my bike and that added about another mile or so, some of it down the dirt road to her house. She was a real sweetheart, but I don't think she ever really knew how I felt about her. She eventually married Wayne Wilson. I found her on Classmates recently, but she didn't respond.

Me - 1965Through High School I was in the band, originally The Tempests and this seemed to attract a lot of women. I don't remember anyone too special - just a lot of groupies. I was in the band for over ten years and these women were always around. No idea what the attraction was because we certainly were never "rock stars". I don't remember ever having a special relationship with anyone in high school. I remember Francis Carkner, who I also saw recently on Classmates. My first sexual experience was when I was thirteen, with Renatta, and I was pathetic. I had no clue what to do, but thankfully she did. Best two minutes ever!

During a period when the band, at this time called the Bow Street Runners, was the house band at the old Club Bluenote at Yonge and Gerrard I started going out with Pat, a gorgeous little blonde, who worked for Al, greeting people at the door and other things. I was barely sixteen at the time and she was twenty-one, which got a lot of ribbing from my band-mates and my parents weren't too thrilled either. I think, as uncomfortable as it was for them, they knew that if they forbid me to see her that would only make me more determined to continue just to spite them. We all rebel against our parents about something.

We did some fun stuff, although I have no idea how I ever find time to be with her. I was working at the TD bank full-time during the day and playing at the Bluenote Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights until four or five in the morning. We backed up acts that were appearing in Toronto and would come over after their shows to play our floor show. There were too many days when I drove home and couldn't remember getting there.

pat_and_andrewPat was a very beautiful girl and, well, one thing led to another and we made love and it was amazing. Naturally, and stupidly, I assumed she was on the pill, but she wasn't. I don't remember every circumstance at the time, but I think we weren't still playing at the club. My Dad's advice at the time was pretty simple. First he asked me if I loved her and I said I didn't really think it was love. I was too young to know. He asked me if it was mine and I said I couldn't be absolutely sure. His advice at the time, right or wrong, was to cut-off all communication with her, which I did, albeit not comfortable with this decision. Months later my father told me a story that she had shown up at our house, threatening to kill herself and painted a picture of a crazy woman. He said he had "handled it" and to put it out of my mind. Not until recently did I learn the truth about what happened, and it saddened me, not only because what he said had happened was all lies, but because these lies were what my decisions were based on.

(Years later I had my family and my aunt at Ontario Place and we were leaving. I had gone on ahead to get the car, when I young boy came up to me and called me "Daddy". When I said he was mistaken he pointed back to his Mum and told me she said I was his Dad. With my family coming up behind me, admittedly I panicked, more because of my aunt than my wife, because she didn't know anything about this. My wife did. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. It was a very traumatic experience.)

Moving on, there were a couple of girlfriends, like Marilyn Adams, before I met my soon to be wife, Janice. Heather lived in Mimico and we got along really well. I'm not sure why we never went anywhere. I do know it was fun convincing my wife that when it came time to name my daughter, Heather, it had nothing to do with my former girlfriend. Honestly. The night I met my soon to be wife I was at a party with my then girlfriend, Bev Jackson. When Janice walked down the stairs I literally left Bev, walked over to Janice and the first thing I said to her was to askJanice her to marry me. She told me later that her friend, Lynn, had warned her that I was a sucker for blondes. She told me to beat it, but I told her she was going to marry me, now or later, and she might as well get used to it now. I later discovered she had a boyfriend, Doug, who treated her like you know what. We had a confrontation and he spit in her face in front of her mother, which ended it for him. Janice got pregnant with my son, Chris, and we got married August 16th, 1969 in Streetsville. The reception at her parents' home was a riot, mixing her Scottish relatives with my English ones. They all got on great and hardly noticed we were there. I still remember Uncle Billy falling down the stairs carrying a case of beer, and all he worried about was if he broke any of the beers (he didn't).

Janice and I spent twenty-three long years together and I could write a book on just that one relationship, but save to say we drifted apart and never came back together as the people who married. She never really forgave me for getting her pregnant and we went years with no physical relationship at all and that killed me. I stuck around hoping it would someday get better, but it never did. In 1992, when I had moved out and was basically making appointments to see my kids, I realized just how much I wanted to be out West with my own family. I figured the kids would come out to vacation with me, plus they had encouraged me to go. So, in July 1993 I packed everything into the van and moved out West. No question. It became the best fifteen years of my life, excluding that the kids abandoned me for some unknown reason and I haven't spoken to them since. Janice remarried my best friend, Gary, who unfortunately passed away last year. I sent her a card but never heard from her either. Didn't expect to given how she has poisoned my kids against me. Still don't know why.

No one can really understand how hard it is for someone as romantic as me to have no love at home. Believe me, I tried, for years. We never slept together the night we got married or anytime on our honeymoon. It was not a good start. My first temptation was with her friend, Bobbi Rogers. She was babysitting for a friend and asked me to come over to talk about something. She was another gorgeous blonde, just like my wife, but she was VERY friendly. It was all I could do to resist the temptation and nothing happened. I wasn't as lucky the next time. During most of my career at various jobs I had the opportunity, especially traveling as much as I did, to get involved with other women. Sometimes it was as innocent as just dancing, but sometimes it was more. I don't want to count notches in my gun, but there were a couple of special ones. Brenda, who I met on a flight from Dartmouth to Montreal, and who I spent an amazing night with; Cheryl, who was my customs broker and we fell deeply in love and she was the only woman I ever really thought about leaving my wife for; Carolyn, who worked as a receptionist for a company I was with and with whom I had some very long lunches. I actually slept with her at her house when her husband could have come home any minute. Not one of the smarter things I've done in my life. There was also Marie, my very best friend girl ever and someone I would have left my wife for if she did not have a boyfriend. We worked together at Indal Products. Her and I and Heather were the three musketeers. We had such fun. We actually ended up in a motel room one night after a lot of wine and tried to make love, but they were my best friends and it just didn't work. Later Marie gale-annasked me over for dinner and seduced me, but the sex wasn't good because we were such great friends. I loved her in so many ways. After I had moved out and was working at Fellowes in Markham I started seeing Gale-Ann, the President's secretary. Although we had to sneak around at work, obviously, we ended up moving in with each other. She was the only real 10 I've had the good fortune to go out with. It all ended when I flew her out West to see Kelowna and she had no intention of moving. I put her on a plane back after only a week out of the planned three week vacation. It was a bitter break-up but I did see her years later when I drove down to Toronto.

Sad as this is, I really don't remember who my first "girlfriend" was out West. I had so many really great women

Ann and Suzanne

friends - Laura, Linda, Darleen, Norma, Sue, Karla, Bianca, and many others. I love spending time with them and just never got serious with any of them because it would spoil a great friendship. I met tons of women at my favorite bar, The OK Corral, but this usually didn't lead to a relationship outside of the Corral. Exceptions were Jackie, who I was with for three years until she screwed around on me, and Heather, who I had a brief relationship with. I spent a couple of years living with Karen Falloon, but that ended when she planned the rest

of my life for me.

Darleen and Sue







I met the first true love I ever had, Tracy, when she was actually going out with a buddy. That ended and Tracy and I ended up moving inTracy together and spent the most wonderful time of my life. We were so very much in love. We joked that we could not go fifteen minutes without kissing when we were together. We had

The Kiss

"special moments" every day. We talked for hours. We told each other we loved each other all the time. I loved her so deeply and figured we would spend the rest of our lives together.

She was twenty-two years younger than me, but it was never an issue for us or for our friends. We were very good together. We always joked that I was young for my age and she was old for her age. Whatever we were doing, and we did a lot,  she always had a hard time keeping up.

One thing we enjoyed was me pushing Mads and Bray in one of those wheeled carts with me roller-blading. They would squeal with delight when I said we were all going to crash. I would look back and there was Tracy huffing and puffing trying to keep up.

When we did the stairs at Lynn Canyon in North Van (I think there were four hundred or so) we joked about who would be helping who in twenty years. She started to question how things would be in twenty years though and this broke us apart. She asked me to move out and leaving her and the kids was the hardest thing I MeandTracy02had ever done in my life. I left my own wife of twenty-three years without a single tear, but leaving Tracy destroyed me. I cried like a baby for weeks and really fell apart. I thought I would never love again.

Some years later I met Crystal at the Corral. She and I were pure magic on the dance floor and I tried as hard as I could to be more than a friend to her, but she was just never there. We slept together but nothing happened. We spent a lot of time together but it ended abruptly after a very bad "vacation" in Puerto Vallarta and she went out with someone else. The very biggest regret of my entire life is that her




parents helped me out financially and I could not pay them back. I keep hoping that I will somehow have the money before it is too late. I don't want to leave this earth until I have paid these great people back. I think of them every day and know how badly they think of me. I would love to win the lottery and give them a hundred thousand dollars for their kindness. They did not deserve to be hurt.


In Panama I had the most unusual relationship of my life. My girlfriend, Magaly, was twenty-five years younger than me, which was fine, but she didn't speak a word of English and my Spanish was poor. Somehow we had a great relationship, I think partly because we couldn't argue because neither of us would understand each other. If she got upset I just kept saying I'm sorry in Spanish until she was over it. We made love every night and went on a wonderful vacation in Costa Rica that I will never forget. I felt so incredibly bad for her when I had to return to Canada. She has done nothing wrong and I hurt her by leaving, but I had no choice.


Back in Toronto women were the last thing on my mind, but "life is what happens when you are making other plans". I met a girl on the internet and she eventually came to Toronto. For me it was love at first sight. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with her and I moved to London to be with her. We had a great love, but something was obviously missing for her. She went away one weekend to spend time with another guy and lied to me about it. My only two requirements in any relationship are trust and respect. I had lost both with her. They ended up breaking up but the damage was done. As much as I love her daughter like she was my own, her mom is simply too destructive for me to stay with as a friend. Even my doctor warned me that she was just using me and told me to end it with her long ago, but I cared and was stupid enough to think something might be there, but now I've learned that it's just never going to happen. I still care for her despite everything she's done to me, and I miss her terribly. I am in a strange town and know no one and have no friends. It is tough to live without the one friend I thought I had, but with her is worse than without her, horrible as that sounds.


My "Wifey" Karla

Well, there you have it, at least as much as I can remember. I'm sure I've forgotten someone along the way. Before I dated Bev I remember going out with the most gorgeous, but shy, girl whose name I just can't remember. Oh, and at one point I went out a couple of times with Miss Brampton, whose name I also can't remember. There's a couple of one night stands, like Sally in Chicago, and a couple of late night flings with girls from the Corral, but no one else of any consequence, at least not that I can remember. Sorry if I missed you.

I hope there will be more to the story. It's been a very long dry spell and I'm very lonely. I can only hope that I find I way to get back out West and find someone to love again before I die.

A ray of sunshine comes into my life

They say love comes along when you are not looking for it. Never more true than with my new love, DW. It's a long story, but she was a friend of a friend who I had met through MyYearbook.com. The more we talked (and you know how I hate to talk) the more we connected. She lives a couple of hours away, so we texted or we chatted on Windows Live or we talked on Skype, every day. She finally came to meet me a few weeks ago and it was incredible from the second we met. One day wasn't nearly enough.

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Trouble even with a Panama girl

Is it alright to say “awoke” when you really never slept? Last night was one of the worst nights of my life and I awoke only to find we have no power, yet again. Can’t make coffee. No internet. My precious food in the freezers is in jeopardy. Certainly not what I need this morning!

So why the horrible night? Well, as I have spiraled down into my current depression, consumed by the thoughts of it all being over soon, the one glimmer of joy in my life was Magaly. Her affection, warmth, cuddling, making love and telling me she loved me kept me going each day, or least trying to hang in there.

It started Saturday, when she did not respond to my text messages about maybe taking her kids to the parade at night. It was my first Christmas in Panama and, although I certainly have no spirit of the season, even knowing that it was probably my last made me want to make the best of it and experience what Christmas was like in Panama.

She finally sent me a message saying that her kids were in David and that she had to work until six o’clock, so I replied, suggesting that we meet for pizza and then go to the parade. I had told her previously that I needed to have her take some pictures of the parade with her phone for my websites.

No response. Instead she just showed up at the house after work, and obviously in a very bad mood. When I asked why she hadn’t responded to my message, she said she had been using her sister’s phone and she had left the store, so Magaly didn’t get any message. When I asked where her phone was, she said her daughter had it in David. I reminded her how important I had said it was that I got pictures of the parade with her phone.

Now we had nothing to eat and she didn’t want to go to the parade. I asked her where the bread was that I had asked her to bring, but she had forgotten, so I couldn’t even have a sandwich. She said she didn’t want anything to eat and was just miserable. I asked her to please tell me what was wrong, but she insisted there was nothing wrong. We spent the evening in silence watching a movie, listening to all the music and singing coming from downtown. I really regretted not being there to enjoy it.

At eight o’clock she showered and went to bed without even a good night. When I crawled into bed she wanted nothing to do with our normal cuddling in each other’s arms, so I spent the night by myself, full of regret at missing the parade and still so utterly confused about why she was being so miserable to me.

I was up at seven the next morning and spent the next three hours puttering around the house, just trying to be quiet to let her sleep. I made pancakes for us, but she was still asleep, or pretending to be, so I ate alone. She finally got up at ten and headed into the shower. Not even a “good morning”. When I went into the bathroom to ask if she was ready for me to cook pancakes for her, she babbled something at me in Spanish, which I did not understand. She got all frustrated at me for not knowing what she said and all I got was a frustrated “oh, Gary!”.

We’ve managed to fumble along with the language pretty good all these months, and this was the first sign of any frustration that I didn’t understand her. I knew this was not a good sign.

When she sat down to eat I again asked her what was wrong and got the same answer – nothing. Although, yes, my language skills are lacking, I said I knew there was SOMETHING wrong and asked her to please tell me what was going on. Nothing she insisted and I could feel the anger welling up in me that she was being so obstinate.

The next few hours were spent with me working around the house and her cleaning my apartment. Not a word between us. We were to go to Stone and Barbie’s place at two o’clock for a Christmas party and, although I was not in any party mood I was hopeful she would brighten up and we could sort things out. I was happy to see her getting dressed and putting on her makeup. At least she was going to make an attempt.

As I put together our drinks to take and got ready to leave she informs me that she’s going to her house. Obviously upset I asked why? She just said she had to go. I explained how important it was for us to go and how awkward it would be for me when everyone asked where she was. Adrian was also bringing his new lady who spoke little English and I said it was important for Magaly to be there to talk with her. Nothing.

Now I got really upset and said I wouldn’t go without her as it would simply be too awkward and uncomfortable. She just said good-bye and left. It was a very low moment for me, realizing this was yet another thing she had spoiled for me.

I guess in defiance I decided I wasn’t going to regret one more thing, so I went. It was awkward, as I expected, because Barbie and everyone else at the party wanted to know where Magaly was. I made some lame excuse that she a function to attend with her family, but also said I suspected she wasn’t comfortable around so many English people. No one believed me, I’m sure.

My phone rang and it was Magaly asking me to let her back into the apartment, as she could not get a taxi. I asked her to come over to Stone and Barbie’s, but she refused, so I went back to open the door for her. I sort of lost it on her, angry that she was making such a mess of this. After some pleading she agreed to come over for a little while, I think mostly to help the other Panamanian girl out and not for me.

When we came back, again all I got was the silent treatment. She showered and went to bed without a word. I ended up on the couch, tossing and turning, fighting back tears, tossing and turning all night, overwhelmed with dark thoughts of how miserable I was. I fought to fall asleep and failed. I just wanted all this misery to end. My one tiny glimmer of hope had been dashed. It was over.

She woke me to say good-bye and I resisted the temptation to tell her to take all her clothes with her. Six in the morning is not a good time to start an argument. At this point I don’t know what to do. Her family is going to Panama City for Christmas and she can’t get the time off work, so we had planned to spend Christmas together, such as it is. Now it looks like I will be all alone, which is the last thing I need right now, but being alone is better than sitting in silence with someone you love and being treated like crap. Alone is the lesser of two evils.